The Mirage

Angry....I am angry today. I wish that the anger felt better, but it is just as painful as any other emotion. The lies, the deception, the manipulation...shouldn't it make this all easier. It's not...it doesn't make it better for even a second.

You see I'm having to accept that the man I fell in love with NEVER existed. When I finally opened up to him I fell in love with what I thought was the most sensitive, caring, genuine heart I had ever seen in a man. A heart that I thought had struggled for years to find love and acceptance. A heart that I promised to nurture and protect. A heart that I thought I could trust to cherish and protect me. Now I know that that heart was never there. What I've seen and heard from that heart the last 6 weeks is nothing I could have ever imagined existed in him. So mean...so hurtful...so selfish...so deceptive...so spiteful.

I spent 30 min on the bathroom floor today crying my eyes out. Sobbing and shaking....Why????? I don't love him...I never even knew him....but I am still devastated. No one has EVER caused me so much pain in my life. No one has ever shown such disregard for me. I feel like my value to him was nothing....zero. I know that there is no one on the face of this earth that has the right to make me feel that way...and I know that I don't have the right to give ANYONE that power over me.....but today I feel like I meant absolutely NOTHING to him. I've never known a person to be so heartless...to be so manipulative...to be soooo deceitful. Sometimes I think he is absolutely nothing more than a monster. Maybe more each day...more with every lie that is discovered...more with every image I find on the computer, more with every piece of the puzzle that someone else puts into place for me. My life for the 15 months was nothing more than one big lie....one huge con...at least to him!!! Can someone please explain that to my heart. My heart never got the memo that this was just an act...that this was just his next chapter. I was just a stepping stone to his next thing.

How does anyone with a beating heart hurt someone that they say they loved...that they care about so deeply the way this man has hurt me. HE has made me feel absolutely worthless. He has made me feel like everything I gave him....my heart...my spirit...my love...my forgiveness...my compassion...my time....my tears...my finances meant NOTHING. I absolutely gave this man my life and he traded me in faster than the car he conned me into buying him. Two months ago he sat on my sofa...watched me cry and promised me she was nothing..just a friend..told me I was ridiculous to be so upset and worried about her...then later that night texted her while I slept beside him. Two weeks after that he texts me to pay his phone bill and buy him a plane ticket as he is in a cab to her hotel in Vegas. Who does that????

I so much wanted to believe that at one time he loved me..that he changed...but as the stories started to unravel...as people started to contact me...as I look back over the last 15 months and see the patterns of manipulation...as the truth began to come out I was hit with the very harsh reality that this man never loved me...he figured me out...he knew how to pull at my heart...he knew me probably better than anyone...but he never loved me.

He lied...he lied from the day we met to the last email that he sent. He lied about his education, he lied about his past....he lied about his jobs. He lied about everything...big things, little things....everything. He has lied to his friends, to his family, to his employers. He lied about things I could have cared less about and he lied about things that would have ended our relationship sooner. He even started his new relationship based on lies. You see in his world he lived and worked in NYC for a good part 2008 and some of 2009...at least that's what he told her. In reality he lived with me for most of 2009 because he was unemployed...and the woman before me can testify to 2008. When I hear the lies he has told her it just makes me wonder what lies he told me....but I don't want to know anymore....I don't want anyone to fill me in on anything else....I don't want to discover anything else on the internet...I don't want any of it to have happened at all...I wish I could wake up tomorrow and it be a bad dream...I wish I'd never turned that corner and seen the guy in the Cal hat. I wish he had been in NYC...I wish I could turn back time. I REALLY don't know what about him...if anything...was real at this point. But I do know that my pain is real. The discovery of the truth doesn't change the pain of the loss. How can I mourn someone, something that was only a mirage. Yall...my life, my love, everything I invested in him was a LIE. And I'm left to pick up the pieces they left behind!!! And it hurts more than anything I have ever experienced. People tell me how lucky I am to have gotten away from him, they tell me that I am blessed to have found out now before a marriage...before kids. So tell me how to make my heart understand that. I seriously woke up in the middle of the night sobbing...woke up from my sleep crying..that is how deep the pain is that this man caused. I cry EVERY day. I hate myself for sharing so much with him...I hate him for taking so much from me!!! I hate the fact that I lost so much of myself during the last year because I was totally focused on him...loving him...supporting him...showing him what love was supposed to be. I know I wasn't perfect...I made mistakes...but I LOVED him with a pure heart...and that heart is shattered. That heart will have a very hard time EVER trusting again. How do I find forgiveness for myself....how do I ever find forgiveness for him???

Haunted

Why do the words play over and over and over in my head??? Why do they whisper to me day and night? I am absolutely haunted by them. Like someone put his harshest moments on repeat in my head....how I wish it would just STOP.

You killed us

You are emotionally immature

You're missing something

I don't want to hurt HER feelings

You couldn't compete

I'm sorry I couldn't make myself love you anymore

Your jealousy and insecurity wouldn't have allowed it

You went nuts

You didn't satisfy me

I'm so lucky we are finally over

Oh how they hurt...they hurt me everyday. The spoken, the written, the images. They all seem to be burned into my brain. Things I never want to hear or see again...and it feels like they have made a home in my head.....no....worse....my heart. Why do I question myself....all I offered...all I felt...because of his words. I'm struggling right now yall. I have so many questions that will never be answered. I've never doubted my worth so much in my life... I wish he would have just beat me...physical wounds would have healed so much faster!!!!

I saw my counselor last week....can't believe I'm in therapy....she gave me some homework and I need yalls opinion. One of her last questions to me was....so when are you going to get back on the horse???? Huh.....What....REALLY??!!!??? I asked her what she was smoking....yes...i really did!!!!! Just the thought makes me sick to my stomach...how can I even begin to open up to that???? I don't feel like I ever want to be vulnerable again...I want to protect me because I don't feel like I can trust anyone else to....I want to stop crying....I want to stop thinking....I want to stop remembering....I DON'T want to open myself up!!!!! Isn't that what caused this problem to start with??? I honestly don't feel like I have a whole lot to offer anyway... How does she expect me to "get back out there?" It is way to fresh...is there a purpose if forcing it this soon??? So yall have to tell me...why...why would she suggest that. She knows it all....timelines, histories, regrets, the pain, the anger...why push this now????

I'm trying guys....some days are better than others...none of them are good. I miss me!!!!! I miss my smile....I miss my laugh...I miss the twinkle in my eye...I miss my witty comebacks...I miss having hope...I miss my taratude!!!! A sweet friend told me that I am soooooo special...that I am like sunshine....that I am so loved by so many and anyone would be blessed for me to offer any amount of my heart to them....tell me how to get THAT to play in my head??

Little by little

Oh sweet friends...how hard it is to be back here again. Most of you know my love story over the last year...most of you know that I fell madly and deeply in love. What most of you may not know is the devastating end to that relationship. CRAP!!!! I'm crying already!!!

When I met him I was so guarded...I was unsure of me...unsure of him. He pursued me "shamelessly." That was out little love word. Little by little he convinced me that he loved me...that he wanted a life with me...that I was his future. Little by little I believed him....little by little I absolutely fell head over heels in love with this man that I thought would protect me for the rest of my life....and little by little I discovered he wasn't that man at all....little by little my trust was broken...heart was shattered...my world was turned upside down. And now little by little I have to start over....little by little I have to start a new life I never expected to face...little by little I have to forgive myself for mistakes made...little by little I know it will get better...but it doesn't feel better right now.

I thought he was the man God picked for me. I prayed for so long for a patient, understanding, funny, kind hearted man. The only thing I thought he was missing was height....I always had a thing for a tall man...and he was not that...and I could have cared less!!!!! I loved him. There were so many little details that fit so perfectly...so many little things that I began to overlook the big things.

We started out so easy...I felt so comfortable with him...I couldn't believe how easy it felt to be with him. I never felt like I had to be anything other than myself. I struggled to trust him in the beginning. Not because of him...because of me. I was so afraid to trust him...I was afraid he would hurt me. I was difficult!!!!! And he was sooooooooo patient, so understanding, so willing to help me figure it all out. He was committed to us....to me!!!!

Our relationship was NOT a fairytale!!! We absolutely fell in love during a very difficult time for both of us. He was unemployed for the first year 10 months we were together, I was employed but becoming more and more unhappy with my job. He felt unsuccessful, unproductive...I felt unappreciated. But what amazed me was that we fell in love through what was a very difficult time for both of us...a time that would tear so many people apart was the time that we came together. I really thought that we would be able to get through anything. We were able to talk about anything....or at least I thought we were....now I know differently.

I cannot describe the depth of the love that I felt for him. To my soul!!!! I remember the day he introduced me to his mom as her future daughter in law. I almost got mad at him....I was NOT ready for that...he always moved so much faster than me. He always said it was ok....he knew I would catch up!!!! I always did!!!

I was fiercely protective of him...to this day I still try at times to protect him. When I finally fell...I fell hard. The day I knew that I loved him...I knew I would do anything for this man...and I did. I gave him absolutely everything I could to show him how deeply I loved him...that my love was unconditional...that I loved HIM...not his circumstance...not his checkbook...not is past. You see very early in our relationship he told me that he had never felt true/unconditional love. He felt like everyone in his life based their love for him on his actions. When he did good things the love was there...when he messed up the love was gone. He shared struggles with me...he shared some of his past...I knew he had demons in the past that he fought....and I was determined to be that person he could depend on no matter what. I was determined that this man would not live his life wondering when I might take my love back. Now that I look back I think that I was trying to fill that place that he has to look to God to fill. I wanted to rescue him...but oh how I loved him.!!!! Even as the tears flow now...even as angry and betrayed as I feel in this moment...I still remember the love I had....I still miss the man I thought I was giving my life to...I still have a part of me that would do anything to save him if I thought I could. So much of me wants him to know how deeply he was loved....that I would have supported him, encouraged him, stood by his side through anything this life threw at him. All I needed were love and honesty.

After everything that has happened the last 2 months....well 5 months if I'm going to be really honest...which we will get to...I feel like I should be relieved...I should see the blessing in this...I should know that he wasn't the man God has for me. But honestly....I still want the man I thought he was...I still miss THAT man...I still miss his laugh...I still miss him making me laugh...I miss his hugs...I miss his crooked smile....I miss the simple things...I miss him sitting by me on the sofa...I miss wrestling...I miss lazy Saturday mornings...I miss hanging out with his family...I miss Broadway sing alongs...I miss all the us moments...there were so many tmac/dmac moments and I miss it!!!

I know that there are people reading this that will be so mad at me for that. But it is true...I still miss what I thought I had....even if reality continues to prove to me daily that my reality was not true reality. I still miss my love. To this day he will tell you that I broke up with him...I guess I just finally accepted the truth....and the truth sliced me to the core. I still feel abandoned/betrayed/manipulated...and I still love him. How is that even a little bit possible??

Oh...yall...I don't know if I can do this!!!!!! I'm not sure if these are healing tears!!!!! How can this still hurt so much after EVERYTHING I know now....how can he still hurt me like this????

I guess what I do KNOW right now is that God has my heart and he will put it back together. I know that he will never hurt me....I think that with time will come healing. I pray that I can find forgiveness for him...and for myself. I know that God has already forgiven me for my mistakes. I know that I am blessed with an incredible group of friends and family that have supported me through tears, snot, a few four letter words and even a few shots. I know that I am a beautiful, strong, funny woman that has the ability to love deeply. I know that I fought with everything I had to show him that love...and I know that he knows...maybe down very deep....but he knows that I loved him with all that I had...and I always would have!!!!

ok peeps...can't proof read this one...tears making the computer a bit blurry...hope you understand!!!

She's back!!

Ok friends...I'm back!! For those of you who know me well you no doubt know the utter devastation I have experienced the last few months. It has been the most heart breaking season in my life. I've struggled how much and what to share here. BUT....when I started this little journey two years ago I promised I wouldn't do this if I wasn't absolutely willing to be completely open and honest. So that is what I have to be...its gonna be a bumpy ride for a little while but I'm learning lessons every day and maybe someone else will learn something from my pain. So this girl is back on track and ready to share the hurricane that blew through my life the last 15 months. It's funny....I didn't blog throughout the storm....I was afraid I was going to jinx it...maybe blogging during the storm would have saved me from it...

OK...here we go....

Just a word of warning....this is a VERY long story...not one I will be able to tell in a couple of posts...its gonna take me a while....and quite honestly...my emotions are all over the place right now. Some days I am crushed....some days I'm absolutely pissed...some days I'm still in shock....some I'm disgusted to the point of being physically ill....all I can tell you is I'm not trying to mask ANY of it...how I feel that day is how I feel....you may get a paragraph...you may get 5 pages...this is just going to happen as it happens...so hold on...here we go...

Yes...I am!!!!!

WOW....I am a BAD blogger!!! I've had so much going on the last couple of months. So much to share and at the same time I've really had a hard time sitting down to get it all out. I'm always surprised who reads this stuff and this transparency and honesty thing can be a bit....well...lets just say it's very tough for me to continue to put it all out there for the world to see. BUT...that's the deal I made so here I go!!

So....I feel like I should give a parental advisory warning on this. I'm gonna be pretty open here... about a struggle that is more "adult content" than most of what I talk about...soooooo you may want to read this before you decide if ya want to let one of your teens or tweens read it.

OK....warnings out of the way...here I go before I chicken out!!! Most of y'all know me pretty well....and for the most part most of you share the same values as I do. I've always held onto those values and morals as such a central part of who I am. I totally understand that my beliefs are not common these days but that never really bothered me before. But for the first time I think I've let someone lead me down a self doubt, self questioning road.

I met him a couple years ago. He is one of those guys that always kept my interest even though our communication was sporadic at best. In fact we managed to talk and text off and on for a year and a half without ever meeting in person. I think we had at least a half dozen dates set up but something always came up...half my fault/half his....but for whatever reason we always managed to keep in touch. (or if he tells ya the story HE kept in touch because I "NEVER" called him....my bad???) Well, the moon and stars finally lined up and guess what....we actually went on a date....and sit down for this one...it was actually a good date...I know...shut up right???? He was such a sweetie...did all the right things...held the door(for me and the older ladies walking a few feet behind me), pulled out my chair, easy to talk to, smart, he even runs!!!! I actually had faith in the male species after this date. It wasn't all butterflies and walking on air but it was a little half grin and twinkle in the eye kinda date....and ya know I thought maybe that was how things are supposed to start.

So..things were going well...and I'm actually looking forward to getting together again. So we are hanging out at his place and everyone is feeling nice and cozy...talking...watching a little Olympics...just nice relaxed hanging out time....then it happened!!!! That boy was all over me!!!!! Now I'm guilty here too...I am an affectionate person and it was nice touching, kissing, holding hands with someone that I really liked and bonus time...was really attracted to....BUT!!!! Lets just say that things got a little...no alot...over heated pretty quickly. As hands started coming out of the wood work I say something I wish I could take back....some stupid comment about needing to slow it down because I'm a "sweet, innocent thang" How I wish I could have that moment back...if I'd just said stop...or no...or your about to get you butt kicked by a girl if ya try that one more time!!!! But NOOOOOOO....I had to say sweet and innocent. So...guess what his reply was...."its not like you're a virgin." And for the first time in my life I wasn't proud enough of that to just say YES I AM!!! Instead I try to lead the conversation somewhere else. Ya see...I've had that conversation before and there are two responses....I get either...wow...see ya later or it becomes a complete obsession and a game of 20 questions. And honestly...i think I prefer the "see ya later" response. Well as you can guess the conversation stays right where it started...i wasn't getting out of that. So after a few minutes of cat and mouse I told him yes. Well...he was a 20 questions guy...and you don't want to know what those questions consist of!!! The worst part is that I didn't have enough respect for myself in that moment to tell him to drop it...I actually continued to discuss it with him. Now..don't get me wrong...he wasn't a total jerk about it...I think just curious. He couldn't fathom how a 34 year old was still a virgin...and why??? In fact I really don't think he believed me for a long time! His point was that nobody would expect me to be and then he felt the need to point out that I must be the last one!!!

So as I sat there with head spinning like that ride at the carnival that drops the floor out from below your feet, I started questioning it myself. And honestly for the first time thought to myself...why is it such a big deal...NOBODY else waits at my age!! Sure...when you are young in college and in your early 20's it is kinda sweet to be waiting...but really 34...pushing 35 whats the point!!???!!! I remember talking to one of my college roommates. We both laughed a joked that we were waiting until we were married....or at least till we were 35. At the time it was funny...now that I'm getting to be 35 not so funny anymore!! Now don't get me wrong...I wasn't questioning that momemt...I wasn't just caught up in the warm fuzzy feel goods....and I certainly wasn't thinking about going further with him...I was questioning myself for days....my questions were much deeper than hormones.

Now I KNOW exactly who those questioning thoughts were coming from...but just the fact that I questioned myself at all really has me frustrated. I've always been so strong about that...never embarrassed or shy about it. So why now...all of a sudden...do I feel like a total FREAK!!!! Why do I feel like I'm holding onto something soooooo tightly that has no value to anyone. Why do I feel like I'm walking down a deserted road that only has a flickering light pole guide me when there is a busy freeway with tons of options just around the corner. And why, all of a sudden, do I question something that I've trusted my entire life??? I used to think that I'd meet a great guy that not only accepted that but appreciated it...now I feel like I'll never meet anyone because of it. It's almost like the scarlet letter...just backwards.

I have to say that even in the midst of my doubt that I continue to be blessed by my friends...sometimes I long for single girlfriends....someone who is in the middle of it with me....right now!!! But....then again maybe they would be just as confused....we'd probably just sit there and eat cookie dough!! What I do have is amazing married friends that remind me that I'm not a FREAK!!! One of my girls told me this week that I am a jewel. Jewels are rare....but precious when you find one

...I'm trying to remember that.

Longings

So...today has not been a good day. I just want to curl up in bed and wish the world away. This is SOOOOOOOOOO hard for me to write...there is still so much of me that wants to always be "up." I struggle with sharing this because its not fun, happy, hopeful. But I don't feel those things today...I just feel alone! And even though I KNOW that what I "feel" isn't what is truth...today it is hard to get past those feelings. I can't even get my booty in gear enough to go for a run.... :(

So...here are my guts...not real pretty today...but honest!!
Today I am longing...my heart hurts...

I long for companionship
I long for laughter
I long for warmth
I long for a strong hug that says it's ok
I long for help
I long for leadership
I long for a sense of home
I long for encouragement
I long to feel wanted
I long to feel needed
I long for security
I long for someone to hold my hand
I long for guidance
I long for a smile
I long for connectedness
I long for openness
I long for sofa talk
I long to be known


I long to give all of those things to someone else


I long for him

Mirror Mirror

Wow....it's been a crazy month. I've had these thoughts running through my head for weeks but no time to sit down to let the fingers purge!

So girls this one is for all of you...and just know that I am totally convicted of everything I'm about to say...so I hope no toes are stepped on....well not true...if they need to be stepped on just know that I'm stepping with love!!!

Well I guess I should do the background thing first....for those who might not know. These days I tend to get the "cute" label....I'm not a beauty queen....certainly not HOT...just the all american "cutie pie." BUT that is a new one for me...growing up I was "smart" "musical" "funny" oh yea...the best one "sweet." But never was I the pretty girl....I even had people ask me how it felt to be the "ugly sister!!" Now...I was always very overweight. I never really thought too much about it...it was just who Tara was. About 3 years ago I saw a video of myself and was shocked...totally didn't recognize that girl...who I felt like on the inside wasn't what you saw on the outside. Then I saw a picture of myself when I was about 5 or 6. I just sat there and cried and told that little girl that I was going to do better for her...for me...she deserved better than I was giving her!! I worked my booty of..literally...and lost 60 lbs in about 15 months. I even ran a stinkin marathon just to prove to myself that I could!!! So...you'd think that I'd be jumping up and down proud of myself...right....NO!!! I'm harder on myself now that ever before...I'm so focused on every little flaw....and for the longest time I thought it was just me....but recently I've discoverd it seems to be all of us....and I can't help but ask WHY??? I was talking to one of the best girls I know and telling her that I totally hate myself somedays...all I see are flaws....fine hair, round belly, less than firm arms, chubby legs....She stopped me and said girl I feel the same way most of the time! WHAT??? She always semed to be so secure...few complaints about her body...how did she feel that way. A few days later I'm reading and article in a magazine and its talking about how Jessica Simpson felt insecure about herself since her ex was seeing Jennifer Aniston. YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME RIGHT!!!! Jessica Simpson...the Daisy Duke girl...insecure...HOW???

Then I began to realize I have such a warped view of beauty. Beauty is not a size 0 or 2....beauty is not blonde locks and big boobs. Beauty is not the perfect bikini body. Now don't get me wrong....losing the weight I lost was important for my health...for me it helped me really start living my life instead of simply going through it. But when I think about what I value, what defines me, what I want people to think of when they talk about me...none of that changes if I'm a size 6 or a size 12! So why do I struggle so much with it...why do I think I need to look like a 21 year old supermodel to be beautiful. Why do I see myself in the carnival mirror instead of through God's eyes...why does my definition of beauty focus primarily on the the "wrapping?"

OK...true confession...I'll spend 2 hours at the gym and not be able to "find time" for a quality quiet time, I'll get up at 5:00am to go for a long run but fall asleep while saying my prayers that night, I work hard to shape my outside into a form that I hope my future husband will appreciate but honestly focus little on shaping my heart to prepare for marriage. If I look at where I spend my time and energy you would think my heart's desire is to be a Victoria's Secret model not a fabulous wife!!!

Now I'm not saying there is anything wrong with my time at the gym, my marathon training, or even the total insanity of doing an Ironman (yep...i think I might have to do it!!!) In fact I know that I am a better ME because of the time that I take to take care of myself....BUT...I have been convicted that I focus sooooooooooooo much of my self value on something that God doesn't even see. Maybe this is a shocker but he cares far more about the number of people I share Christ with than number of crunches I do.

So how do I change where I place that value. I think about the time I spend getting ready for a date...30 min picking out something to wear...at least....another 30 min changing my mind...20 min shower...30 min hair...15 min makeup....30 in changing clothes...again....and what 2 or 3 min praying about it.....hmmmmmm and do I really wonder why I think this dating thing is soooooo hard. As I write it I 'm so embarrased...it's one thing to not know what you shoud do...its another thing to know it and still make the other choice...is it just me here????

Lord lend me your eyes...help me to see me the way you see me....show me the ugliness that I keep deep inside. Give me a beautiful spirt that knows how to give, love, encourage. Thank you for health...thank you for this amazing package you put us in...I stand amazed daily at the beauty of your creation....(I may be a medical nerd, but anatomy is pretty stinking cool) Thank you for making us all beautifully different. Lord I pray for all my girls out there...show them that even on a bad hair day....and yes...even a "fat"day...they are stunning to you!!!!