Good Enough???

Lots of time to think the last few days....so many emotions I have experienced in the last five months. Sometimes I wish I would have let him go when I first saw the flags...sometimes I'm glad that I hung on as long as I did...because I loved him soooooo much....I know I gave everything to prove that. Was it worth it...is what I'm going through now worth it...I'm not sure. How far along would I be in this process if I had walked away in January. When I felt like I had to read emails, check phone records, when I saw the texts without even trying why did I hold on. I wonder what I would have seen if I really tried to be a PI. In the end am I ticked off...do I get to be mad..yes...do I want him to feel just a little of the pain I am feeling...YES!!!!

But I loved him sooooo...

I remember an email he sent in the end that said how angry with me he was. That he hated that I saw it as his fault. That I broke up with him...what was HE supposed to do. REALLY!!??!! Was I perfect...NO...but do I see this as his fault...YES YES YES!!!! Yall tell me....please tell me if I am wrong but is it even remotely possible that they were only friends...nothing more....he had no interest in her other than closure then magically a month later they can't live without each other...totally in love...Looks like I had every reason to be insecure...I was right...and now that I know more I can't image how it would have been if I had know then what I know now. Giving someone else your emotional intimacy is cheating...giving her his time and his heart before me is cheating. Actions speak louder than words...he said he loved me...that he wanted me...that I was his future...for months he invested his time and energy into her...into his bar buddies...into everything but me unless he needed something...then it was back to me. So...YES...I broke up with him...but can't I be the one who says it and it still be his actions that caused it!!!

I think I've made it about "her" in my mind too much...there was so much before her. But that is the part that hurts the most. I know his lying, his drinking, his history have nothing to do with me...but when it comes to her I put it all back on me...what does she have that I don't. How could he move on so fast...how can you tell me how hurt you are over losing me but the same week be in a relationship with her. You loved me more than anything...willing to give up everything for me on April 2nd and in love with her 10 days later???? Two weeks...really???? He always said that he loved me because I had such an amazing heart, I was patient, I was compassionate and loving, he wouldn't want to be in a fox hole with anyone else. I believed that...and you know what...he was right...all of those things are true. It doesn't make me any less worthy of love, any less valuable that HIS priorities changed, HIS heart changed...that HE didn't appreciate gift that I was to him. An amazing woman told me that it HAD to be something this painful for God to snatch me out of it. There had to be someone else for him to go to...so that he didn't come back to me...because I would NEVER have done it...I never wanted to do anything that would hurt him...I would have put up with almost anything once if I thought it would save us...if I could prove to him that I loved him. God made it so clear to me...so unfixable...so painful that there was no other option for me...he removed me from a situation that I wouldn't remove myself from. I should find peace in that...peace knowing that God revealed things to me those last few days, peace that God made everything fall into my lap, peace that every question or doubt I had was made painfully clear. I didn't know that peace and pain walked so closely together!! It feels like an emotional wax job...my heart, guts, dreams, love have been ripped away...but I know that it gets better....the ripping leads to much better things.

I know that his choices started way before her...she may have been what he needed to have a security to move on...but his choices much earlier in our relationship were not honoring of me...did not express love to me. And I know that in my next relationship that offering unconditional love to someone does not mean that I have to be a doormat....does not mean that I have to overlook wrongs, does not mean that I can't have expectations...that I have to compromise what I hold true. My love can be unconditional while the relationship is not. I hate to say it but he knew..he knew how important it was for me that he KNOW that I loved him sooooo much. He used that against me...instead of my compassion, patience, understanding being gifts they became liabilities.

I wish I could see us through his eyes. I wish I new what he REALLY felt and when. I wish I knew what he sees as right and wrong. In his mind was it ok to lie to me about education, losing jobs, having jobs, her....what was his rationalization...did he think it was harmless...or was it just his way of keeping me invested as long as he needed me. How many times did I hear him lie to his friends...not really tell the true story....how many times did I wonder if it was that easy for him to tell me partial truths. I know that I will never know. They say hindsite is 20/20....but I still don't see clearly. Maybe because I know now that there were so many lies...I guess I question how he could love me and sit there and lie to me time after time after time. What makes it so hard to tell the truth. Why did he have to spin everything?? Was he that afraid that I wouldn't accept him, was he that afraid that I would leave, or was that just who he was...the way he chooses to live his life. Even now...this freakin second...I put it back on me...what could I have done for him to get him to be honest....how could I have been more to him to have helped him more!!!???!! WHY WHY ....WHY do I STILL put this back on me!!??!!

AHHHHH>>>>BAWLING!!!!!!!!!

I still ache for his heart. I loved that man more than I think anyone on the earth ever has. I guess I thought that if I loved him enough the years of pain could be healed. If I loved him enough, loved him the right way....forgave him for his mistakes that he would realize what real love was...he would feel that depth of that love. I thought that I could help him make the right choices...the right decisions. If I were enough he would do the right thing. He said I was different than anyone else in his life...the love I offered was different...I was his FAVORITE. I'm starting to see that so much of my pain is a feeling of failure. The voices whisper to me that I was just not enough...my love wasn't enough...I didn't do what I needed to to save the man I loved more than anything. That she has something that I didn't...she offers something better. I remember the whisper that "i'm sorry you just couldn't compete." I didn't know love was a competition. What was I competing with in November and January??? Was I competing with the memory of the summer of 1999?? Was I competing with the fun and laughs of the bar...the beauty of southern california. I didn't ask him to compete...all I asked for was love, honesty, him to protect me...him to be the man he promised me wanted to be. What could I have done to compete????

But I'm learning to stop myself...this had NOTHING to do with my love...my love was not flawed...my love was not missing something....my love WAS/IS a beautiful thing.

Now that I'm out of it...now that I know that it is over...now that I know that I cant...no couldn't save us I see what a hot mess it all was. Yall....I got to the point that I asked if I could call him....I would take his drunkin/hateful texts at 4 in the morning...many times begging him to talk to me because I was worried about him, I was scared of making him mad even when I knew he was wrong, I let him be emotionally abusive to me...because I was afraid that if I stood up for myself he would think that I didn't love him. But yall...there was a time that he made me feel so special, so loved, so wanted and needed....why did that change????

WOW...as I write this I am shocked...who was that girl...when did I lose my strength my independence....when did I become "that" girl...when did I lose Tara!!??!! And here I go...questioning me again...what if I had stayed true to me...what if my taratude had stayed intact...would I have been good enough...would he have loved the real me enough to make the right choices... WHY am I putting this on me??

I don't know how I go from wanting to put his picture on a kickboxing bag and beat the hell out of it to wishing he had just killed me instead of having to experience the emotion of being left to pick up the pieces of his betrayals. But I think I'm making progress....I question if I will ever get over this totally...I question if I will ever have a day that I don't think of him and wonder what was true..what was real...why he made the choices he made??? But I know that I was a strong, loving, generous, spunky, fun loving woman before he came into my life...and its not fair to that girl not to let her back out...to let him keep her buried. I'm having to decide daily to be her again...trying to remember how incredible she was...remembering the girl who NEVER missed a run, the girl who got the Chester the cheetah award for having a smile, laugh, spunkiness even on a the longest hottest marathon training runs, the girl who found humor...not tears...in everything, the girl who trusted people, the girl who my patients described as having a "light." Yall know her...maybe better than I do. Promising myself everyday to get to know her again!

Lord God...help me through this. Help me to forgive myself for all my mistakes...for putting him before you. Help me to find healing for my heart that feels like it will never be whole again. I pray that you heel me so completely that when I think of him I can still feel compassion and love without the pain or resentment. Give me the strength to get up every day and live the beautiful life you've blessed me with without thinking about the loss I feel without him. Remove the hurt LORD....you know my hurt more than anyone...you've seen EVERY tear...every time I've sat on the bathroom floor and sobbed, every time I've cried myself to sleep you have been there...I know you know my pain and I know that you are the only one who can heal me.... I'm trusting in that....knowing that I have you to hold onto....believing that you have something better.....knowing that you saved me....as much as it hurts....as deep as the pain is....you saved me!!

High Road???

Ok...this is sooooooo not the way I should think...BUT...I'm going to bed with a smile tonight after hearing this song!!!! I love when someone else says what we are thinking!!! And as a very wise woman once said....Whoever established the high road and just how high it is should be FIRED!!!

Love that I'm feeling a little pissed and spunky tonight...

Pray for You - Jaron

I haven't been to church since I don't remember when
Things were going great til they fell apart again
So I listened to the preacher as he told me what to do
He said you can't go hatin' others who have done wrong to you
Sometimes we get angry but we must not condemn
Let the good Lord do his job, you just pray for them

I pray your brakes go out runnin' down a hill
I pray a flower pot falls from a window sill
And knocks you in the head like I'd like to
I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls
I pray you're flyin' high when your engine stalls
I pray all your dreams never come true
Just know wherever you are, honey, I pray for you

I'm really glad I found my way to church
Cause I'm already feelin' better and I thank God for the words
Yeah, I'm gonna take the high road and do what the preacher told me to do
You keep messin' up, and I'll keep prayin' for you

I pray your tire goes out at 110
I pray you pass out drunk with your best friend
And wake up with his and her tattoos

I pray your brakes go out runnin' down a hill
I pray a flower pot falls from a window sill
And knocks you in the head like I'd like to
I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls
I pray you're flyin' high when your engine stalls
I pray all your dreams never come true
Just know wherever you are, near or far
In your house or in your car
Wherever you are, honey, I pray for you
I pray for you

YES I KNOW...that isn't NICE!!!! As my nephew would say..."Aunt T...you're rude!!!!" Maybe rude but going to bed laughing out loud...and with a smile. Not going to let him steal my smile ANYMORE!!! I've cried for 16 months...think its time that I stop letting him steal my sparkle!!! I was pretty freaking awesome before he came into my world....I'm going to be even better now that he is gone!!! And YES...I know that I might be on the bathroom floor crying again tomorrow...but right now I feel a little taratude returning!!

Find the song online....great little tune!!!!

THANKS FOR THE PRAYERS>>>I FEEL THEM!!!!

LOVE YALL!!!!!

No Words

Oh...there are no words that I can get out to describe the pain today. When does it get better...when does he STOP hurting me??!!??? I feel so used, so manipulated....and as the truth of the last 6 months continues to be revealed I question how far back does the deception go? How can I continue to feel such deep pain and loss when I am still picking up the pieces daily. Why can't I just get pissed and stay there. I know that sounds terrible..but that's what I want right now...I just want to be pissed. Actually no....I just want it to go away....I just want to forget it EVER happened!!!!!

I know a couple of my girls have very heavy hearts today!!!! I love yall so much and I know that we are all going to survive!!!! There is a song that keeps playing...I hear it daily...I feel like God is singing it to me...to you!!! I so want to believe it!!!

Before the Morning

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning

The Mirage

Angry....I am angry today. I wish that the anger felt better, but it is just as painful as any other emotion. The lies, the deception, the manipulation...shouldn't it make this all easier. It's not...it doesn't make it better for even a second.

You see I'm having to accept that the man I fell in love with NEVER existed. When I finally opened up to him I fell in love with what I thought was the most sensitive, caring, genuine heart I had ever seen in a man. A heart that I thought had struggled for years to find love and acceptance. A heart that I promised to nurture and protect. A heart that I thought I could trust to cherish and protect me. Now I know that that heart was never there. What I've seen and heard from that heart the last 6 weeks is nothing I could have ever imagined existed in him. So mean...so hurtful...so selfish...so deceptive...so spiteful.

I spent 30 min on the bathroom floor today crying my eyes out. Sobbing and shaking....Why????? I don't love him...I never even knew him....but I am still devastated. No one has EVER caused me so much pain in my life. No one has ever shown such disregard for me. I feel like my value to him was nothing....zero. I know that there is no one on the face of this earth that has the right to make me feel that way...and I know that I don't have the right to give ANYONE that power over me.....but today I feel like I meant absolutely NOTHING to him. I've never known a person to be so heartless...to be so manipulative...to be soooo deceitful. Sometimes I think he is absolutely nothing more than a monster. Maybe more each day...more with every lie that is discovered...more with every image I find on the computer, more with every piece of the puzzle that someone else puts into place for me. My life for the 15 months was nothing more than one big lie....one huge con...at least to him!!! Can someone please explain that to my heart. My heart never got the memo that this was just an act...that this was just his next chapter. I was just a stepping stone to his next thing.

How does anyone with a beating heart hurt someone that they say they loved...that they care about so deeply the way this man has hurt me. HE has made me feel absolutely worthless. He has made me feel like everything I gave him....my heart...my spirit...my love...my forgiveness...my compassion...my time....my tears...my finances meant NOTHING. I absolutely gave this man my life and he traded me in faster than the car he conned me into buying him. Two months ago he sat on my sofa...watched me cry and promised me she was nothing..just a friend..told me I was ridiculous to be so upset and worried about her...then later that night texted her while I slept beside him. Two weeks after that he texts me to pay his phone bill and buy him a plane ticket as he is in a cab to her hotel in Vegas. Who does that????

I so much wanted to believe that at one time he loved me..that he changed...but as the stories started to unravel...as people started to contact me...as I look back over the last 15 months and see the patterns of manipulation...as the truth began to come out I was hit with the very harsh reality that this man never loved me...he figured me out...he knew how to pull at my heart...he knew me probably better than anyone...but he never loved me.

He lied...he lied from the day we met to the last email that he sent. He lied about his education, he lied about his past....he lied about his jobs. He lied about everything...big things, little things....everything. He has lied to his friends, to his family, to his employers. He lied about things I could have cared less about and he lied about things that would have ended our relationship sooner. He even started his new relationship based on lies. You see in his world he lived and worked in NYC for a good part 2008 and some of 2009...at least that's what he told her. In reality he lived with me for most of 2009 because he was unemployed...and the woman before me can testify to 2008. When I hear the lies he has told her it just makes me wonder what lies he told me....but I don't want to know anymore....I don't want anyone to fill me in on anything else....I don't want to discover anything else on the internet...I don't want any of it to have happened at all...I wish I could wake up tomorrow and it be a bad dream...I wish I'd never turned that corner and seen the guy in the Cal hat. I wish he had been in NYC...I wish I could turn back time. I REALLY don't know what about him...if anything...was real at this point. But I do know that my pain is real. The discovery of the truth doesn't change the pain of the loss. How can I mourn someone, something that was only a mirage. Yall...my life, my love, everything I invested in him was a LIE. And I'm left to pick up the pieces they left behind!!! And it hurts more than anything I have ever experienced. People tell me how lucky I am to have gotten away from him, they tell me that I am blessed to have found out now before a marriage...before kids. So tell me how to make my heart understand that. I seriously woke up in the middle of the night sobbing...woke up from my sleep crying..that is how deep the pain is that this man caused. I cry EVERY day. I hate myself for sharing so much with him...I hate him for taking so much from me!!! I hate the fact that I lost so much of myself during the last year because I was totally focused on him...loving him...supporting him...showing him what love was supposed to be. I know I wasn't perfect...I made mistakes...but I LOVED him with a pure heart...and that heart is shattered. That heart will have a very hard time EVER trusting again. How do I find forgiveness for myself....how do I ever find forgiveness for him???

Haunted

Why do the words play over and over and over in my head??? Why do they whisper to me day and night? I am absolutely haunted by them. Like someone put his harshest moments on repeat in my head....how I wish it would just STOP.

You killed us

You are emotionally immature

You're missing something

I don't want to hurt HER feelings

You couldn't compete

I'm sorry I couldn't make myself love you anymore

Your jealousy and insecurity wouldn't have allowed it

You went nuts

You didn't satisfy me

I'm so lucky we are finally over

Oh how they hurt...they hurt me everyday. The spoken, the written, the images. They all seem to be burned into my brain. Things I never want to hear or see again...and it feels like they have made a home in my head.....no....worse....my heart. Why do I question myself....all I offered...all I felt...because of his words. I'm struggling right now yall. I have so many questions that will never be answered. I've never doubted my worth so much in my life... I wish he would have just beat me...physical wounds would have healed so much faster!!!!

I saw my counselor last week....can't believe I'm in therapy....she gave me some homework and I need yalls opinion. One of her last questions to me was....so when are you going to get back on the horse???? Huh.....What....REALLY??!!!??? I asked her what she was smoking....yes...i really did!!!!! Just the thought makes me sick to my stomach...how can I even begin to open up to that???? I don't feel like I ever want to be vulnerable again...I want to protect me because I don't feel like I can trust anyone else to....I want to stop crying....I want to stop thinking....I want to stop remembering....I DON'T want to open myself up!!!!! Isn't that what caused this problem to start with??? I honestly don't feel like I have a whole lot to offer anyway... How does she expect me to "get back out there?" It is way to fresh...is there a purpose if forcing it this soon??? So yall have to tell me...why...why would she suggest that. She knows it all....timelines, histories, regrets, the pain, the anger...why push this now????

I'm trying guys....some days are better than others...none of them are good. I miss me!!!!! I miss my smile....I miss my laugh...I miss the twinkle in my eye...I miss my witty comebacks...I miss having hope...I miss my taratude!!!! A sweet friend told me that I am soooooo special...that I am like sunshine....that I am so loved by so many and anyone would be blessed for me to offer any amount of my heart to them....tell me how to get THAT to play in my head??

Little by little

Oh sweet friends...how hard it is to be back here again. Most of you know my love story over the last year...most of you know that I fell madly and deeply in love. What most of you may not know is the devastating end to that relationship. CRAP!!!! I'm crying already!!!

When I met him I was so guarded...I was unsure of me...unsure of him. He pursued me "shamelessly." That was out little love word. Little by little he convinced me that he loved me...that he wanted a life with me...that I was his future. Little by little I believed him....little by little I absolutely fell head over heels in love with this man that I thought would protect me for the rest of my life....and little by little I discovered he wasn't that man at all....little by little my trust was broken...heart was shattered...my world was turned upside down. And now little by little I have to start over....little by little I have to start a new life I never expected to face...little by little I have to forgive myself for mistakes made...little by little I know it will get better...but it doesn't feel better right now.

I thought he was the man God picked for me. I prayed for so long for a patient, understanding, funny, kind hearted man. The only thing I thought he was missing was height....I always had a thing for a tall man...and he was not that...and I could have cared less!!!!! I loved him. There were so many little details that fit so perfectly...so many little things that I began to overlook the big things.

We started out so easy...I felt so comfortable with him...I couldn't believe how easy it felt to be with him. I never felt like I had to be anything other than myself. I struggled to trust him in the beginning. Not because of him...because of me. I was so afraid to trust him...I was afraid he would hurt me. I was difficult!!!!! And he was sooooooooo patient, so understanding, so willing to help me figure it all out. He was committed to us....to me!!!!

Our relationship was NOT a fairytale!!! We absolutely fell in love during a very difficult time for both of us. He was unemployed for the first year 10 months we were together, I was employed but becoming more and more unhappy with my job. He felt unsuccessful, unproductive...I felt unappreciated. But what amazed me was that we fell in love through what was a very difficult time for both of us...a time that would tear so many people apart was the time that we came together. I really thought that we would be able to get through anything. We were able to talk about anything....or at least I thought we were....now I know differently.

I cannot describe the depth of the love that I felt for him. To my soul!!!! I remember the day he introduced me to his mom as her future daughter in law. I almost got mad at him....I was NOT ready for that...he always moved so much faster than me. He always said it was ok....he knew I would catch up!!!! I always did!!!

I was fiercely protective of him...to this day I still try at times to protect him. When I finally fell...I fell hard. The day I knew that I loved him...I knew I would do anything for this man...and I did. I gave him absolutely everything I could to show him how deeply I loved him...that my love was unconditional...that I loved HIM...not his circumstance...not his checkbook...not is past. You see very early in our relationship he told me that he had never felt true/unconditional love. He felt like everyone in his life based their love for him on his actions. When he did good things the love was there...when he messed up the love was gone. He shared struggles with me...he shared some of his past...I knew he had demons in the past that he fought....and I was determined to be that person he could depend on no matter what. I was determined that this man would not live his life wondering when I might take my love back. Now that I look back I think that I was trying to fill that place that he has to look to God to fill. I wanted to rescue him...but oh how I loved him.!!!! Even as the tears flow now...even as angry and betrayed as I feel in this moment...I still remember the love I had....I still miss the man I thought I was giving my life to...I still have a part of me that would do anything to save him if I thought I could. So much of me wants him to know how deeply he was loved....that I would have supported him, encouraged him, stood by his side through anything this life threw at him. All I needed were love and honesty.

After everything that has happened the last 2 months....well 5 months if I'm going to be really honest...which we will get to...I feel like I should be relieved...I should see the blessing in this...I should know that he wasn't the man God has for me. But honestly....I still want the man I thought he was...I still miss THAT man...I still miss his laugh...I still miss him making me laugh...I miss his hugs...I miss his crooked smile....I miss the simple things...I miss him sitting by me on the sofa...I miss wrestling...I miss lazy Saturday mornings...I miss hanging out with his family...I miss Broadway sing alongs...I miss all the us moments...there were so many tmac/dmac moments and I miss it!!!

I know that there are people reading this that will be so mad at me for that. But it is true...I still miss what I thought I had....even if reality continues to prove to me daily that my reality was not true reality. I still miss my love. To this day he will tell you that I broke up with him...I guess I just finally accepted the truth....and the truth sliced me to the core. I still feel abandoned/betrayed/manipulated...and I still love him. How is that even a little bit possible??

Oh...yall...I don't know if I can do this!!!!!! I'm not sure if these are healing tears!!!!! How can this still hurt so much after EVERYTHING I know now....how can he still hurt me like this????

I guess what I do KNOW right now is that God has my heart and he will put it back together. I know that he will never hurt me....I think that with time will come healing. I pray that I can find forgiveness for him...and for myself. I know that God has already forgiven me for my mistakes. I know that I am blessed with an incredible group of friends and family that have supported me through tears, snot, a few four letter words and even a few shots. I know that I am a beautiful, strong, funny woman that has the ability to love deeply. I know that I fought with everything I had to show him that love...and I know that he knows...maybe down very deep....but he knows that I loved him with all that I had...and I always would have!!!!

ok peeps...can't proof read this one...tears making the computer a bit blurry...hope you understand!!!

She's back!!

Ok friends...I'm back!! For those of you who know me well you no doubt know the utter devastation I have experienced the last few months. It has been the most heart breaking season in my life. I've struggled how much and what to share here. BUT....when I started this little journey two years ago I promised I wouldn't do this if I wasn't absolutely willing to be completely open and honest. So that is what I have to be...its gonna be a bumpy ride for a little while but I'm learning lessons every day and maybe someone else will learn something from my pain. So this girl is back on track and ready to share the hurricane that blew through my life the last 15 months. It's funny....I didn't blog throughout the storm....I was afraid I was going to jinx it...maybe blogging during the storm would have saved me from it...

OK...here we go....

Just a word of warning....this is a VERY long story...not one I will be able to tell in a couple of posts...its gonna take me a while....and quite honestly...my emotions are all over the place right now. Some days I am crushed....some days I'm absolutely pissed...some days I'm still in shock....some I'm disgusted to the point of being physically ill....all I can tell you is I'm not trying to mask ANY of it...how I feel that day is how I feel....you may get a paragraph...you may get 5 pages...this is just going to happen as it happens...so hold on...here we go...