Mirror Mirror

Wow....it's been a crazy month. I've had these thoughts running through my head for weeks but no time to sit down to let the fingers purge!

So girls this one is for all of you...and just know that I am totally convicted of everything I'm about to say...so I hope no toes are stepped on....well not true...if they need to be stepped on just know that I'm stepping with love!!!

Well I guess I should do the background thing first....for those who might not know. These days I tend to get the "cute" label....I'm not a beauty queen....certainly not HOT...just the all american "cutie pie." BUT that is a new one for me...growing up I was "smart" "musical" "funny" oh yea...the best one "sweet." But never was I the pretty girl....I even had people ask me how it felt to be the "ugly sister!!" Now...I was always very overweight. I never really thought too much about it...it was just who Tara was. About 3 years ago I saw a video of myself and was shocked...totally didn't recognize that girl...who I felt like on the inside wasn't what you saw on the outside. Then I saw a picture of myself when I was about 5 or 6. I just sat there and cried and told that little girl that I was going to do better for her...for me...she deserved better than I was giving her!! I worked my booty of..literally...and lost 60 lbs in about 15 months. I even ran a stinkin marathon just to prove to myself that I could!!! So...you'd think that I'd be jumping up and down proud of myself...right....NO!!! I'm harder on myself now that ever before...I'm so focused on every little flaw....and for the longest time I thought it was just me....but recently I've discoverd it seems to be all of us....and I can't help but ask WHY??? I was talking to one of the best girls I know and telling her that I totally hate myself somedays...all I see are flaws....fine hair, round belly, less than firm arms, chubby legs....She stopped me and said girl I feel the same way most of the time! WHAT??? She always semed to be so secure...few complaints about her body...how did she feel that way. A few days later I'm reading and article in a magazine and its talking about how Jessica Simpson felt insecure about herself since her ex was seeing Jennifer Aniston. YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME RIGHT!!!! Jessica Simpson...the Daisy Duke girl...insecure...HOW???

Then I began to realize I have such a warped view of beauty. Beauty is not a size 0 or 2....beauty is not blonde locks and big boobs. Beauty is not the perfect bikini body. Now don't get me wrong....losing the weight I lost was important for my health...for me it helped me really start living my life instead of simply going through it. But when I think about what I value, what defines me, what I want people to think of when they talk about me...none of that changes if I'm a size 6 or a size 12! So why do I struggle so much with it...why do I think I need to look like a 21 year old supermodel to be beautiful. Why do I see myself in the carnival mirror instead of through God's eyes...why does my definition of beauty focus primarily on the the "wrapping?"

OK...true confession...I'll spend 2 hours at the gym and not be able to "find time" for a quality quiet time, I'll get up at 5:00am to go for a long run but fall asleep while saying my prayers that night, I work hard to shape my outside into a form that I hope my future husband will appreciate but honestly focus little on shaping my heart to prepare for marriage. If I look at where I spend my time and energy you would think my heart's desire is to be a Victoria's Secret model not a fabulous wife!!!

Now I'm not saying there is anything wrong with my time at the gym, my marathon training, or even the total insanity of doing an Ironman (yep...i think I might have to do it!!!) In fact I know that I am a better ME because of the time that I take to take care of myself....BUT...I have been convicted that I focus sooooooooooooo much of my self value on something that God doesn't even see. Maybe this is a shocker but he cares far more about the number of people I share Christ with than number of crunches I do.

So how do I change where I place that value. I think about the time I spend getting ready for a date...30 min picking out something to wear...at least....another 30 min changing my mind...20 min shower...30 min hair...15 min makeup....30 in changing clothes...again....and what 2 or 3 min praying about it.....hmmmmmm and do I really wonder why I think this dating thing is soooooo hard. As I write it I 'm so embarrased...it's one thing to not know what you shoud do...its another thing to know it and still make the other choice...is it just me here????

Lord lend me your eyes...help me to see me the way you see me....show me the ugliness that I keep deep inside. Give me a beautiful spirt that knows how to give, love, encourage. Thank you for health...thank you for this amazing package you put us in...I stand amazed daily at the beauty of your creation....(I may be a medical nerd, but anatomy is pretty stinking cool) Thank you for making us all beautifully different. Lord I pray for all my girls out there...show them that even on a bad hair day....and yes...even a "fat"day...they are stunning to you!!!!