Monday, September 27, 2010
So many emotions, so much revelation. The last month has been full of ups and downs. So I've been writing and deleting a lot. But I need to purge...I just need to get it out. I'm just going to give a little warning on this one. This is my guts...this isn't pretty...but these things I need to get out. There are tears flowing and a few four letter words slipping out these days too. I struggle with what is dirty laundry and what is fair for me to share because of the way it has affected me. I struggle with sharing things that hurt my pride...I struggle with what I saw along the way and ignored. But I don't want to struggle anymore....I just want to move on!!
For those of you who don't know. I actually had a conversation with "her." Ya see there was a bit of a blowup. I have to admit....I blew up. He sent me an email telling me to find his freaking football helmet and give it to his sister or he would call my mom. I'm not sure why but that just pushed all the wrong buttons on the wrong day. He blew through half of my savings last year plus he has yet to pay me back a penny of the money borrowed when he conned me into paying for his california move and car...he can't even mail me my ipod.....and he has the audacity to order me to find a football helmet. Can you see my utter exasperation. Anyhoo...it was a BAD day....and for once I reacted in anger v tears. I vented and told him what I thought...I was not nice yall. Then, after getting a blank email from her..."on accident" I decided that I was going to tell her how I felt about her involvement in it all. So I sent her an email...I didn't name call....I didn't yell and scream but I told her she was wrong. I told her that pursing a man who was in a relationship was wrong....I told her the emails I saw..the texts I saw...I told her that her actions contributed to my pain and I felt like I deserved to tell her directly what she did was wrong. To my surprise she emailed me back and asked it we could talk. I decided to talk to her after reading her email...after reading that she didn't know he was in a relationship....after her telling me that he had told her a very different story about us...I decided that I might hear more truth from her than I ever did from him. Not sure if it was all truth...everything couldn't be explained...there were inconsistencies. She certainly doesn't get a get out of jail free card. She new what she was doing...but I know him well enough to know what were his words....I saw enough phone records to know her time frames were true.... He lied to both of us....I kicked him to the curb because of it and she picked him up. What a prize!!! And yet the pain from that kind of betrayal cuts deeper than anything I've ever experienced.
This is what she revealed to me...he told her that we were not in a relationship. From the day I found out about the email he wrote her telling her that he never loved me the way he loved her till the day they met in Vegas. He said we were absolutely NOT in a relationship....trying to work on a friendship maybe...but not in a relationship and he was happy about it..."it needed to happen." HOW does someone do that...how does he mislead me for weeks on end...when I tried to walk away....twice he asked me to not give up. So for two months he was asking me to forgive him...to offer him grace....to "save us." He told me that he was going to prove to me that I made the right choice loving him. I remember the late night text "one day I'm going to make you my wife/my life" all the same time telling her how deeply he had loved her for years. She said the things he expressed to her were "jaw dropping" He spent two weeks with me, with his family, making memories with his sister and nephew...talking about our future during that time. HOW COULD HE....how can he have a beating heart and an ounce of compassion for me and sit here, tell me she was only a friend, she was his past and I was his future...knowing he was expressing deep "feelings" toward her. ABSOULUTE BETRAYAL...ABSOLUTE CALOUSNESS...ABSOLUTE DISREGARD!!!! I use quotations because I no longer believe he really knows what love is. He feels butterflies and excitement...those wear off...they always do!! She was in Atlanta, had two kids, getting divorced and had two brain tumors...he would never be with her. I was ridiculous to even think it. I misunderstood the emails...they were private and I shouldn't have read them because I didn't understand that it was all past. LIAR!!!! He sat on my sofa, wiped my tears, held me, and promised me he was moving back NOW to save us...to get me...to start our life. (he tells another woman that he never loved me the way he loved her less than two weeks after reconnecting on facebook and I'm the one at fault for reading emails...how about the fact that those words should never have been written.....how about acknowleding that you were a complete b8@%#@d for ever putting those words on paper!!!! How do you manipulate someones heart...how do you use them physically, emotionally, financially for weeks/months. If he LOVED her so much how could he share a life with me for those weeks. How could he do it KNOWING the heart I offered...knowing the love I had....knowing that I was fighting for us with every ounce of forgiveness and strength I had. How could anyone who felt anything for me sit there and watch me cry KNOWING what he had told her. It's not figuring things out...it's manipulation and it's abuse. What I'm guessing is he blew his paycheck during his guys trip to vegas the week before and he needed me to support him one more time...so he came home and pretended that he loved me. AWESOME!!!
He told her that he had decided a few months before he moved to California that we were not meant to be anything "long term" Perfect...he told me he was moving to start a new life for us...he told me his struggles were because I hadn't gotten there soon enough and he was afraid I wasn't coming (the week after the move his "struggles" started ...didn't take long did it??) I loaned him thousands of dollars to relocate for a job that I now have reason to believe didn't exist, I bought a car for him to use for a "new" job that he sold behind my back within a few weeks of getting it. I even paid off an old debt so that he could get a bank account because he couldn't get a bank account without my help. I did that for the man that I loved who I thought had made mistakes in the PAST...it frustrated me...but I loved him and I was willing to help him. He promised to pay me back and I trusted him. But to hear that he knew before he left that we weren't long term!!!!! How am I supposed to see that as anything but using me financially....if it walks like a duck...talks like a duck....well????? That is absolutely nothing but a con!!!
And the icing on the cake...the day before vegas. A week before vegas he sent me an email asking me to pay is phone bill and get him a plane ticket to come home for good. He said he loved me and he was sorry the last couple of months had been tough. I started looking for plane tickets. She told me the night before Vegas he sent her a text that said "the way I see it the music plays, we run into each others arms, and live happily ever after." She replied "so the only question is what song" I called him the next day and he said he loved me...he was going to Vegas with his best friend and for me to see if I could find a ticket from vegas instead of California. While he pulled up the to hotel he was texting me to pay his phone bill and go ahead and book a flight. So I get it...if he can sit there face to face with me and watch me cry lying to me over the phone is nothing right?!?! BUT..how does he ask me to pay his bills. AND here is the part that hurts the most. HE KNEW...he KNEW what he was looking for in Vegas....he knew he wanted happily ever after...he knew vegas wasnt about closure. But when it was all said and done...when I found out and called them on it...when I told him he was the worst thing that ever happened to me and I never wanted to see him again. What was his response....as soon as she left Vegas on Sunday..he texted me..."YOU killed us...YOU went CRAZY" HOW can he even pretend to be angry with me...he knew what he had been telling her for months...he knew he wanted out before he moved to California...and him cheating with her in Vegas was somehow MY fault even though he planned "happily ever after". He says I broke up with him twice that week...how would I not break up with him when he had been lying to me constantly about her...he just didn't know what I new. How in the weeks and months after vegas did he still tell me it was my fault...he was coming home to tell me he had gotten closure is what he said....(well thats what he said to me...he didn't keep that story straight with other people) he was emotioanlly and physically intimate with her but in the weeks after vegas he continued to blame me. He continued to lie...he continued to batter me emotionally.
How could he blame me...how could he write the things to me he wrote...how could he make me question what I offered in the relationship...how could HE be angry with ME. All I did is find out!!! HE did it...he killed us...he lied and cheated. She even told me he had dated another girl in California and had said they would probably have stated dating if they hadn't started a relationship in Vegas. So not oly was he willing to betray me for this "long lost love"...but he was willing to betray me for the bar fly he met...yep...sounds like he cared "deeply" for me huh!!??!! I remember the email he sent on an angry day that pointed out three reasons why we werent together. First, He had to move to California to work in his industry....ok but that never happened....to this day he still hasn't been able to be successful in his "industry"!! Second...the night I confronted him about the craigslist solicitations. He said we could have gotten past that night. He doesn't even see that it wasn't that night...it was the infedelity of soliciting strangers on CL...NOT me finding out. And the third reason he thought we were no longer together...my assumptions and not believing him that he and she were only friends....my jealousy was largely unfounded according to him. The facts say that any insecurity or jealousy I may have displayed was ENTIRELY founded....he was cheating and I knew it...i just didn't want to believe it. Really....knowing how devastated I was about the way our relationship ended...knowing the relationship he started with her almost two months before they hooked up in vegas....knowing the struggles I was having trying to understand it all...instead of being a man and admtting ANYTHING...he lied again and made me think it was my fault...he made me feel like I was wrong about them...I wasn't....I was completely right....she confirmed it....their relationship was ANYTHING but friendship...she admitted it...the things he said to her were far from honoring of me....there was no concern for my heart. He kept me around as a commodity....just incase he could get something else from me. Just incase he couldn't convince her to fall fast enough...just incase the vegas hook up didn't happen....I wasn't the love of his life like he said....i was his just in case!!!!
How did he continue to blame me....how did he act angry towards me...how did he have the audacity to call me insecure and jealous....how did he even begin to call ME crazy!!! He's lucky I'm not even a little bit crazy because after EVERYTHING he did someone who was crazy would not be blogging about her broken heart and stolen dreams!
I know I'm not supposed to have these feelings anymore. I get so mad at myself for feeling anything but anger and reflief. But I miss the man that I thought would protect me forever. I miss my playmate. When I think of him playing at the park, at the pool, at the house with her and her kids it breaks my heart. And I try not to think about it...but it still comes...the thoughts won't go away. He promised ME that. I thought we would be taking our little one to the park...to the beach...to the football games. I thought we would be starting our life in California...that we would be starting our family...I keep wanting him to be there to run with me...to go play tennis...to do all the things that I always wanted to do but it never seemed like we did. I miss laughing at him because he would get so animated about football season. I hate that i miss it all....I hate that there were so many lies during all of that that I don't even know what was real to him. I hate that I never will because even if he told me I couldn't believe a word he would say. In one of the emails in the end he told me that "believe it or not there have been people that I have dated that I didn't lie to" Awesome...so he was able to be honest to others that he "dated" but the girl he called his "family" the one he said he loved more than "anything...even Cal footbal"...the one he would "take a bullet for".... ME he couldn't be honest with on any level. I HATE THAT!!!! I HATE THAT HE LIED TO ME....probably every day!! Someone tell me how to get passed that....he knew how much I valued honesty....and he lied about everything. How does he not get that it is a big deal...that I deserved the truth....
I've found out things that he lied about that are soooooooo stupid...stories about relatives in NY...stories about his lacrosse days....everytime we talked about those things he was lying...I seriously think he lied to me everyday. The big stuff...education, financial history, jobs...those are all bad enough...but why lie about the stupid little stuff
I miss the security of his hugs
I miss being able to just look across at him and know
I miss the banter
I miss the full time playmate
I miss a soft kiss
I miss thinking of the future with excitement
I miss trusting people
I miss falling asleep on his chest
I miss thinking about our children
I miss being his encourager
I miss laughing
I miss believing in love
I miss who I was BEFORE him
I miss his family...what I believed was my family
I miss hearing "I Love You"
I'm lonely....I have so many awesome amazing relationships and people in my life. But you all know the intimacy of that life long comittment. And no..we hadn't said I do..but he and I both know conversations we had...we both know what we promised. You know that "that" relationship and "that" love can't be relpaced. I stay so busy...I'm the social butterfly again that I was before him...but nothing is THAT relationship. And I know I should be saying "Thank you Lord" that nothing is that relationship...I deserved better than deception and manipulation...I deserved better than someone who betrayed me to the depth that he did. But it is such a struggle to get past who I "thought" he was. It's so hard to accept that the man I loved with every breath I took was never who I thought he was. I told my therapist that I have this huge ball that he used to fill....I'm trying to fill it with squares...and squares may take up the space...but they don't fill it. And I know...God has to fill it...fill me. But...you can't tell me that if you lost your family, your husband, your kids, the person you gave your heart and soul to...you can't tell me that you wouldn't feel the loneliness!!! God created us for relationship with him...but he also created us with a need for each other....and I miss that. God designed me with a huge heart that loved and cherished. But that stupid heart hurts too....even knowing everything she told me...knowing the truths I know...it still hurts. I want to wake up and it all be a very bad dream...but I can't...the nightmare is real and I have to put a smile on and have a hope for my future.
Yall I hate the fact that he has a heart that can do this to me and walk away without a blink. I hate that he has absolutely not a care in the world about what he did to me. He moved on instantly...he didn't miss a beat!!! He to this day had yet to admit the lies...acknowledge the betrayal...Even Tiger Woods and Jessie James apologized and confessed. They showed pain for what they did...they didn't blame their partners for their mistakes and choices. He did so much more than just cheat...and he doesn't even acknowledge his betrayal and deception. I will never understand how he can tell me the guilt he carried for years over a terrible accident that happened to her...how he felt he ruined her life...how that devastated him. What he did to me was intentional, the devestation he caused me was based on absolute CHOICES he made...there was no accident....it was intentional, even calculated at times...he knew what he was doing and he KNEW how it would hurt me...he saw how it hurt me in January and he continued to abuse me emotionally for three more months by asking me to say invested. He simply didn't care about me...He wasn't trying for me...if he really "tried" for one second he would have invested his time and attention into us...not into his bar buddies...not into her....he just allowed me to hang on until he found "something better" He CHOSE to turn my world upside down....and he CHOSE to continue to lie, continue to lash out at me in the aftermath, continue to make me believe that it was my fault. HE CHOSE this...He CHOSE to endanger me physically and even worse cause emotional devestation in my life and he doesn't give a crap...he doesn't care. He certainly hasn't shown an ounce of remorse. Did he say he was sorry...once or twice....but he has never acknowledged the truth...he has never acknowledged what it REALLY was. He continues to CHOSE to blame me....even knowing most of what I know...he still doesn't feel anything but anger towards me. How a heart beats like that I cannot get.
Life is not a dry erase board...you don't get to make marks in peoples lives and when you decide you want to move on wipe it away. What he did in my life is there...he left scars..he left me changed. It didn't just go way.
I'm working on getting past this. I've been encouraged to read books on abusers and recovery from abuse. Frightened that this relationship fits so many of the patterns and i never saw it. I have to get past this. I can't continue to be this hurt. I feel physically sick. My heart is still shattered. My mind tries to figure it out EVERY day. I have to believe that I can love again. I cannot imagine feeling that selfless, unconditional, forgiving, patient love for anyone else. I've never had it before....I want to say I've never felt it...but the love I had wasn't a feeling...it was so much more. What it wasn't was real...there was nothing real about the 15 months i spent with him. I fell for what he wanted me to fall for...I fell for the story he told me.
I want a family....I want to be a mom....I want to be a phenomial wife. He told me to the bitter end that that is what we had..and then the took it and gave it to her....even before her he turned his back on us...he chose something else....he just "forgot" to tell me. But I never stopped wanting it...I never stopped giving all I had to nurture it. I hope it made him feel good because it has absolutely crushed me!! Congratulations...one more life left tattered and torn...what a legacy!!
I know God doesn't make mistakes....and I know without a doubt that God plucked me out of that relationship....what I learned, how I learned it and when was God's hand. I get that...but it doesn't change the loss...the hurt! But I also know that God created me with a great strength. And he has provided the most amazing people to hold me up and support me. As much as I loved him...as lost as I feel...I know that I was protected and delivered from a man that would have hurt me even more had I not finally held him accountable...it had to be the most painful betrayal to hold him accountable...but i did....i finally held him responsible for his actions....and that is proof that down deep I'm still that strong girl that I once really liked!!! I'm gonna get her back!!!!!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Oh sweet friends...all I can say is I need prayer!! I am struggling today. Lots of pain the last couple of days. I know some of why I hit such a hard place and some I have no clue.
What I feel today is such a huge hole in my heart. I pray every morning, every night that GOD fill that hole. That God fill me with HIS perfect love. I don't understand WHY it still hurts this much...I don't understand WHY God doesn't start to take the pain away. I am soooooooooo tired of crying. I am so tired of hurting. I KNOW it is getting better...but I don't get why I have to hurt...he doesn't hurt...she doesn't hurt....and I ache to my soul...I hurt everyday!!! I don't get it and it's not fair!!! I'm angry....I want a button that will make him feel for just a day what I have felt....I want him to see the utter devastation he caused....I want him to experience what he put me through!! And then there is part of me that just wants it all to be ok....I want to wake up and it be a bad dream...but it's not!!!
Just pray....I need God's healing NOW....I feel like I can't keep doing this...I just want to heal...I want to be past this...I know he can take away the pain....not sure why he doesn't!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
So here is just a little raw emotion...this weekend has been tough. Taken a few steps forward and at the same time entered a new phase in the grief process.
I'm really starting to feel the rejection set in...and it HURTS. I've had so much time trying to figure it out...trying to figure out what was real....what wasn't....what changed....when it changed. I'm not trying to figure things out anymore....I know I never will. BUT the utter rejection has started to hit me. Y'all can tell me all day long every reason that I should be mad....every reason for me to see that this is a blessing. Y'all have told me time and time again that he was not the man for me...and he showed me that. I can even accept all of that. BUT in the end I STILL have to live with the fact that he rejected me. In the end regardless of everything that I did perfectly and everything I did wrong he chose to leave me for another woman. In the end I wasn't good enough...I wasn't what he wanted. He abandoned me...he left me for someone else.
As a woman how do I not question my worth as a partner. I KNOW that my worth as a human, as a sister, as a friend, and as a partner are given to me by my father and savior. I know that HE tells me that I am beautiful. But as a woman, as a living, breathing, woman in the flesh how do I not question me. How do I not feel "not good enough" How do I not question my beauty, my heart, my personality, my spunk. How do I not think that I wasn't fun enough, wasn't giving enough, wasn't everything enough. How do I not compare myself to "her." He did...he said it..."you couldn't compete....I'm sorry" He told me he loved me and a week later discovered he still had the same feelings he did years ago for her. I gave him everything for 15 months and it meant less than a weekend in Vegas. The rejection is so painful....he didn't want me....when it comes down to it...I simply wasn't wanted...I wasn't valued. I have picked myself to death. I have gone over EVERY inch of my body...every aspect of my personality....every struggle I had professionally...every day and night we spent together!!! I know as women we seek to find our security in the wrong places so many times. I think for me it is even harder. I think the struggles I've had in the past...struggles I thought I had finally overcome...voices I thought I had muted...they all came back...and they came back louder than ever. Every comment a boy made to me in high school, every feeling of inadequacy I had around all the "Baylor beauties." Having the man that told me I was everything to him leave me....and choose another woman...how do I deal with the "you're not good enoughs" that I hear everyday.
I know the answer...I listen to all the you are everythings to me that the Lord tells me over and over and over. But I struggle...
Before I met him I was is such a great place. Probably the healthiest and happiest I'd ever been. On Jan 2, 2009 I was happy, content, self sufficient, strong faith, secure in what I was, wanted and deserved. Somewhere along the way I lost that...and didn't even know it!!! When did what I love about me become based on what he loved...or didn't...about me. Everyone keeps telling me how much I have learned...how much stronger I am...how much better I will be for the real love of my life. Honestly....I don't want any of it. I want to go back to Jan 2, 2009 and accept the other date instead....I want to rewind it all...I don't want the lessons. I want to be who I was...I want her back...I want everything i gave him back!!! I'm tired of crying...even if the tears are beautiful to God, even if I am gaining crazy amounts of strength, even if these lessons couldn't be taught another way....I DON'T WANT THEM right now. I want to be the Tara I was on Jan. 2 2009!!!!! I'm tired of crying...and THAT girl didn't cry....she laughed, she loved, she danced, she had a twinkle that was snuffed out somewhere along the way. She would have stood up for herself!!!
On a funnier note....I went on a date!!! I thought I would vomit on myself....didn't think I could do it. But I did. Now let me be clear....I'm not looking for someone to feel that indescribable void I feel....I'm not anywhere close to being healed enough to start a relationship. But a really nice and kinda cute guy asked me out so I took some advice and said yes. He texted later that night to tell me he had a good time and called the next day. Here's the funny part...he had to reschedule and I gave him a little sass about it...his response..."hey...it's work....I couldn't help it....at least I have a job right!" True that...true that!!!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Growing up I had many days of questioning myself. Many insecurities. My mom used to make me say 5 nice things about myself for every bad thing I said. Well...I've said many not so uplifting things about myself/too myself today so here are a few GREAT things about me...
I have a HUGE heart!!! I love with all I have!
I am generous with my time, talent and fincances
I'm kinda cute!!!! I may not be a supermodel but I'm a pretty cute kid!!!!!
I'm funny....I will make you laugh even if it is at me!!!!!
I'm strong...well I was once...I'm getting it back
I'm loyal...to a fault obviously...but If you're mine I've got your back
I've got just enough dynamite to keep things interesting
...ok I can only come up with 8...I owe you two!!!
I talked to a great friend tonight and had a bit of an "wow" moment. I still question myself. I question HOW I failed with him...HOW I gave him everything for a year and it still wasn't enough...I still see the pain from his past and wonder WHY my love wasn't enough...Why he didn't make the right choices to be who he told me he was...Why I wasn't enough!! While we were talking I told her that as stupid as it sounds I still love the man that I thought had my back...the man I thought had such a hard past..the man who convinced me that he loved me with all his heart...I still miss him. She asked me WHY....I said because I thought he was my ONE!! Then again Why....My answer...because I loved him so much...so completely....then the big one...."ok...YOU loved him....but what made HIM the right one for YOU. For the first time I really realized that in the end I can't tell you why...I loved him no doubt...but in the end...after everything...knowing what I know now...what makes him the one for me....not what I THOUGHT made him the one for me...but what today..what 3 months ago...heck what 6 months ago makes him the one for me....I can't answer....nothing makes him right for me...it doesn't change the hurt...it doesn't change what I gave...it doesn't change my shattered heart...but it gave me something to ponder. Things that make you go hummmmmm.....
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Totally a sobbing mess today!! I hate the teeter totter of emotion that I'm on these days. Can someone PLEASE tell me when this gets better because it feels never ending!!!
We had a bit of a blow up last week. You see I finally got some of my things back from him. They came a month after he told me they would. My computer was wrapped in my wetsuit and placed in a box with every Baylor tshirt I had ever bought him. The lady at the post office was shocked at the condition of the box....it literally had huge tears in it. She looked in it before she gave it to me and said...they weren't too concerned about it. Not one piece of packing material to protect my things. When I called texted him to ask about what was missing is when the blowup happened. I admit I was a little short....I was angry and hurt. He responded with "I have less and less concern for your feelings" REALLY!!!???!!!! He has less concern for my feelings now than he did when he lied to me everyday for the 7 months that I supported his unemployed and homeless butt....he has less concern for my feelings than he did when he took thousands of dollars from me to move away from me....he has less concern for my feelings than when he told another woman the he NEVER felt anything for me like what he felt for her....he has less concern for my feelings than the night he asked me to pay his phone bill as he pulled up to her hotel in Vegas. REALLY!!??!! I DON'T GET IT!!!!!!!! He told me that I am impossible...that all I see is my own hurt. You know what....yeah....when you are drowning in your own tears all you can see is your own hurt....it surrounds you...it doesn't let up!!! I'm drowning here and he is standing there with a life raft just watching. He's right I do see my pain...my hurt....I live with it EVERYDAY!!! He couldn't be happier in his new relationship...with his new life...and I'm supposed to see his pain in that!!??!! Show me please....show me one ounce of genuine emotion one ounce of remorse. Am I missing something??? Crying my eyes out!!!! How can he say that he loved me...how can he say that he cared about me deeply and not even TRY to explain to me WHY. I actually got really angry with him for the first time....tired of the excuses of why he can't pay me back...tired of him still lashing out at me.
I'm still struggling with my value and the incredible insecurities that this has brought out. I cried to my Daddy today, asking him how a man could change so much...how a man could take advantage of someone the way he did...how he can know the mass destruction he left behind and not even be phased by it for a second. How does anyone live a life that leaves complete carnage in its wake and not even blink...not even a turn of his head to acknowledge the mess he left behind. He used to quote The Great Gatsby....a quote about Tom and Daisy...how they led a reckless life...how they cause such destruction and leave the poor creatures in their path to clean it up.....seems fitting. I just became one of the poor creatures.
How does he not have any remorse....how does he do it!! I question the value of what I gave...the value of the gift of my heart. I gave more to this man than anyone on the planet...and he tossed me aside. I supported him and LOVED him when no one else would/did. I truly question if he even has an idea of everything I did for him....does he even remember. I gave him a place to live, I fed him, I entertained him, I did EVERYTHING for him last year from helping him get a bank account opened to buying him socks and underwear. And that is just the basics....that doesn't even begin to cover the love and support that I poured into him. I keep asking myself why it wasn't enough...why I wasn't good enough....I question the value of me and my love. Why don't I question him...what he gave...his heart???? I look at who he traded me in for and I don't get it. She is everything he told me he was glad that I was not. He told me so many times that I was different from anyone else he had ever dated. I wasn't the party girl, I wasn't the bar girl, I wasn't materialistic, I was different, I loved God, he was so glad that I wasn't "that" girl that he dated before. I had a "huge heart" that he loved more than anything. And she is better than me because she has a bigger circle of party friends, she likes his hip hop and rap music, she drinks more???? This woman knowingly pursued a man who was in a relationship...she suggested the "fakelationship"...she suggested casual hook ups while claiming to be just friends. He told me he wouldn't ever be with her because she "didn't even go to church"??? Why did he even try to convince me that I was his future when he obviously wanted something VERY different than what he told me he wanted and loved about me??? Why didn't he just tell me from the beginning what he REALLY wanted...we wouldn't have dated more than a couple of weeks!!! I've passed on THAT guy many times before!!! WHY????My best friend was holding my hand a few days ago and got so mad at him. She said she hated him for making me fall for him..she reminded me of all the times that I had doubts, that I had questions, and how he convinced me that he was the one...he wanted me to fall for him. Why yall....why did he convince me to love him. In the beginning I was hesitant..he convinced me he was safe....once I was "all in" he promised me that he would be there for me FOREVER...he would protect me!!! Little did I know that he was what I needed to be protected from. He did it in the beginning and he did it in the end. Even the last time I saw him...he spent 10 days with me PROMISING me that I was his future...WHY...WHY convince me AGAIN when he knew he didn't love me....I begged him not to if he wasn't 100 percent sure he loved me and wanted to be with me....why he had me continue to invest in his family....why he lied to me then about moving back home. Yall have no idea how much I wanted to believe everything he told me those two weeks....I gave him EVERY opportunity to end it....I gave him EVERY opportunity to make the right choices. And he CHOSE to break my trust...to break his promises...to break my heart.... His actions were choices....he chose to lie to me and to leave me....he chose to betray the promises he had made to me over and over!!!
And I still question what I could have done...how I could have loved him more. I still ask myself what if...what could I have done differently to show this man how deep my love for him was. What could I have done differently to prove to him that I was there for him no matter what....what did I need to do for him to recognize the gift I offered....WHY did he not see the value of me....how did he move on instantly and leave me to pick up the pieces of a life that he left shattered?
I read a quote from Mother Theresa the other day it read "The success of love is in the loving, it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person but whether it turns out that way or does not, does not determine the value of what we have done."
I'm trying to hold onto that. My love was not unsuccessful!!! My love was deep and it was pure. It was selfless. I put him first!!! I did everything you are supposed to for someone you are committed to. I kept the promises I made. The night we sat on the sofa and told each other that we were committed to each other forever in our hearts...I meant it...and I did it....even in the worst times...I did it. At least I can walk away knowing that I have it in me to give that kind of love. I may be in the deep pit of pain now but I KNOW that my love was not unsuccessful..it was not lacking!!! What he chose to do with it is about him...not about me. HIS choices don't change my value...they don't change the success of my love. Ok...I've said it so how do I get to the place where I believe it????
Prayers girls...prayers!!!! I need all I can get to do this!!!!!
Saturday, June 26, 2010
I'm questioning the last few days. Questioning me, questioning him, questioning God. Finally accepting that I will never have answers to all the questions but still questioning. I had the chance to go on a little spontaneous trip to Florida this week. Amazing....but 18 hours in the car by myself gave me an abundance of time to let my mind wander. I replayed it all...how I wish I didn't. When does it just leave my mind...when do I stop wondering...when do I stop trying to understand something that I never can. One of my best girls was giving me a little bit of tough love....encouraging me to just let it go...move on...take the power back. She asked me why I still let him make me sad...why did I let him continue to have any power over me...she said "how's it working out for ya?" Yall know what...it sucks....its not working out for me at all...I don't want to spend one more minute trying to figure it out and understand....I can't wrap my mind around it and my heart will never get it. But it is there...it is fading...but it is there.
To this day what I question the most is his love. And honestly I don't know if it is easier to believe that he loved me and that changed...or if he never really loved me. I think I'm beginning to believe that he did love me at one time....he "loved" me in his way...its just that his way and my way were not the same. He never loved me the way I loved him. My love couldn't just change one day. Even when I had reasons to choose not to love him anymore....I didn't...I couldn't. But for him...one day it was just "different"....one day he just didn't love me as much. That's what he said...something just changed for him. He loved me every second one day....then one day it just wasn't as much....and another day it was just a little less. Then he convinced me that the change was just a struggle...he wanted to pick me...he wanted to pick our path and not another path. I believed it....I wanted it to be true....I wanted there to be something I could do to save us. Can anyone begin to explain that please. Seriously....someone please explain that to me!!! I can't get my heart to understand how that happens. And I am absolutely terrified that if he could just stop loving me then how can I trust anyone else to not just decided that they don't love me. He said I didn't do anything wrong....
Yall....everything reminds me of him...EVERYTHING!!! It's not fair...he is in a new place, new people, new love, nothing to remind him of the heart he left behind. I see him at the grocery store, I cried at church today knowing that he would never sit there an hold my hand, I stopped in the men's section when I was shopping...looking at what he would like...drove by the place we used to watch football games at and cried, longed for him at the beach. Even new things....put the top down and went for a drive the other night and couldn't help but think how much he would love the new ride...how much I would have loved to share it with him at one time. How do I make the memories stop. I know that with time I will have new memories in those places...I know that in time some of the longings will fade...I just wish that time could be now!
How is it that I can KNOW in my head that this relationship was not good for me....that he wanted something very different than what I thought he wanted, that he was not putting me first, he was not denying himself...that his wants/needs were his primary focus. In the beginning...yes...he did things for me...he made me feel like I was the world to him...I felt loved and adored. In the end...I felt like he could hardly stand to be near me....would rather talk to anyone other than me!!! Didn't help me with even the basics...looking back i see the change....but its not the him after the change I miss. I miss the guy who held me in his arms for hours and comforted and encouraged me. So why can't I remember that. Why do I not remember the loneliness I felt on our anniversary....why would I fight for someone who didn't even care enough to write me a note on Valentines day. Why can't I just remember the last 6 months more than the first 6. Because I fought so hard the last six....I fought for us with everything I had...even when I was unhappy. I invested more to save us than I did to make us....it wasn't enough!!
I've started living this new life....I'm trying to embrace new opportunities. I've been so busy, so active, reconnected with so many wonderful friends. Sometimes I know I do things just to keep myself occupied....anything to keep from going home. I hear the same things from them. We missed you, you disappeared, so glad to have you back!!! I want to just see all the opportunity that I have...I want to recognize the blessings. But the more things I do, the more I miss him. Everyone tells me that I don't miss him....I miss the companionship. But I feel like I miss him....I miss being with the man I thought loved me more than anything. I miss the emotional intimacy, I miss having him to share everything with. I miss his smile. I even miss sacrificing for him!!! I try to remind myself of the struggles....I don't miss the arguments about drinking, I don't miss the lies...knowing he was lying to me and not saying anything, I don't miss the arguments about finances, I don't miss him getting mad and hanging up on me or telling me how I piss him off. Sometimes I see two totally different people. I just can't accept the man at the end was the same man that I fell in love with. And I miss the man I fell in love with....why did he have to change....why did he break my heart????
Why do I have to have the heart that hurts. Why can't my heart change as easily as his. Why can't my heart just move on??? How could his?? I don't understand why this still hurts this much. All he feels for me is anger....why can't I just feel anger?? Why can't I stop wanting to have the good times back. I still hurt so much for HIM. I pray for him...I don't want him to struggle!!! And at times I do....whatever it takes. The more that I discover the more I ache for his heart. Why didn't he ache for my heart...why didn't he ache for me???
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Ok...wrote this a couple of weeks ago. Didn't post it because I thought it was to tearful. I decided that I would go ahead and share it...trying to be as transparent as I can
Well...it's been two months since the destruction of what I thought was my life partnership. It's been 5 months since I began to hold onto something that would hurt more than I could EVER have imagined.
To this day I still cry for the man that I loved....I still miss what I thought was the love of my life. Bawling as I write this!!!!!! I was talking with a friend today trying to explain all the different emotions I feel...trying to figure out how to process them all.
LOSS - I feel this the most. I feel like I lost the thing in this world that I cherished most. I was not perfect in our relationship. It was so hard for me in the beginning. I'd never felt that devotion to someone but at the same time felt overwhelmed by it all. You see...I NEVER planned to have him move in with me. When his sister kicked him out I had to protect him....I wanted him to feel the security of my love. So I let him stay with me...initially for a couple of weeks..which turned into months...which turned into as long as he wanted. When he moved in I had no space...no chance to call family or girlfriends. Don't get me wrong...I didn't feel smothered...I loved having him around....but I had no opportunity to process my emotions...to talk through things. Yall know what I mean...all those late night girlfriend talks...i didn't have that AND it was my first love...I'd never experienced that before. Can yall imagine...the emotions of new love with the emotions of first love...with the feeling of secrecy because I knew I was doing things wrong...with no "me" time...with the burden of the financial stress of supporting two people!!!! How did I not go insane??!!?? I would get mad at him and storm off into the other room...I would just be silent...one night I left...just drove off. But yall...it was all so much....new love, extreme emotion...gut feelings that things weren't right....having to support someone else suddenly. I had so much to learn. And I did...
I still miss him being here...I still miss all the little things that made us us. I can't even sleep in my own bed....I sleep in the guest room...because I miss him!!! I LOVED HIM!!!!!! I wish I could wake up tomorrow and it all be a bad dream. Absolutely sobbing as I write this!!!!!! I want my love back....I want him to be the man that made me feel so loved....I want him to go back to the beginning and tell me truth...I want him to have been the love of my life and to protect me!!! Why didn't he protect me??!!?? How do I trust another man with my heart. How do I allow myself to open up and take that risk???
Shock - I am shocked to find out the complete lack of truth in our relationship...and even more shocked to find out I wasn't the first to hear these stories. You see there were people before me who claim to have been led down the same path...heard the same stories. I can't say what was true and what wasn't...only he knows that. I know that when talking to people from his past that there seems to be a pattern. I wasn't the first to fall for him....I wasn't the first to be manipulated...I am not the first to be taken advantage of financially. How am I supposed to feel that I was anything more than a bank account/roof over his head when people tell me stories of what he did to them...and guess what...same thing second/third/forth/verse with me.
Anger - YES!!!! I get just PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!! And you know what....I think I have every freakin right to be pissed of. I told my therapist that I dropped the F bomb on him when I first found out about vegas. This very well put together, inner loop, 60 something lady told me....you know what...sometimes when people "f" up they deserve an "FU"...but she said it...I almost fell out of the chair!!!! This is a christian counselor. So guess what I am ok with just being angry sometimes. I'm allowed to express that emotion!!! Being angry doesn't make me immature...it makes me real!!! I didn't express it so many times in the last few months of our relationship when I should have....when he lied to me about the car over and over and over...I didn't get mad...when he had his sister trade in plane tickets that I bought for him to come home because he got wasted and had no way to make his way across California...I didn't get mad....so guess what...if I do a little bit now then its just going to have to be ok. I'm not bitter...I'm not resentful...I am angry. I feel misled....I feel taken advantage of...I feel betrayed...and YES that makes me MAD!!!!
So how am I supposed to process it all. I was talking to a friend just a few days ago and trying to explain us...what I thought made us so good...and what made us such an absolute mess in the end. And once again I said something to protect HIM. She stopped me and said"did you just pour sugar on S*#T???" She is right...I get mad...I acknowledged truths that have been revealed to me...and then I feel the love creep back and I want what I loved back. EVERYONE keeps telling me that it wasn't real....my love while far from perfect was true....I loved him with all that I had....I had to grow....I had lessons to learn...but my heart was pure and my love was deep. While it should be a gift...in the healing process it doesn't feel like it. I wish I had no heart for him. He has made it clear that he has nothing for me....he basically hates me. There are days that I wish I could hate him....but I can't....I loved him to much!!!! I hurt...I cry...I get angry...I cry more...I question...I feel betrayed....and then I cry more. I LOVED him!!!! Well...I loved who I thought he was. I loved who he told me he wanted to be...