Little by little

Oh sweet friends...how hard it is to be back here again. Most of you know my love story over the last year...most of you know that I fell madly and deeply in love. What most of you may not know is the devastating end to that relationship. CRAP!!!! I'm crying already!!!

When I met him I was so guarded...I was unsure of me...unsure of him. He pursued me "shamelessly." That was out little love word. Little by little he convinced me that he loved me...that he wanted a life with me...that I was his future. Little by little I believed him....little by little I absolutely fell head over heels in love with this man that I thought would protect me for the rest of my life....and little by little I discovered he wasn't that man at all....little by little my trust was broken...heart was shattered...my world was turned upside down. And now little by little I have to start over....little by little I have to start a new life I never expected to face...little by little I have to forgive myself for mistakes made...little by little I know it will get better...but it doesn't feel better right now.

I thought he was the man God picked for me. I prayed for so long for a patient, understanding, funny, kind hearted man. The only thing I thought he was missing was height....I always had a thing for a tall man...and he was not that...and I could have cared less!!!!! I loved him. There were so many little details that fit so perfectly...so many little things that I began to overlook the big things.

We started out so easy...I felt so comfortable with him...I couldn't believe how easy it felt to be with him. I never felt like I had to be anything other than myself. I struggled to trust him in the beginning. Not because of him...because of me. I was so afraid to trust him...I was afraid he would hurt me. I was difficult!!!!! And he was sooooooooo patient, so understanding, so willing to help me figure it all out. He was committed to us....to me!!!!

Our relationship was NOT a fairytale!!! We absolutely fell in love during a very difficult time for both of us. He was unemployed for the first year 10 months we were together, I was employed but becoming more and more unhappy with my job. He felt unsuccessful, unproductive...I felt unappreciated. But what amazed me was that we fell in love through what was a very difficult time for both of us...a time that would tear so many people apart was the time that we came together. I really thought that we would be able to get through anything. We were able to talk about anything....or at least I thought we were....now I know differently.

I cannot describe the depth of the love that I felt for him. To my soul!!!! I remember the day he introduced me to his mom as her future daughter in law. I almost got mad at him....I was NOT ready for that...he always moved so much faster than me. He always said it was ok....he knew I would catch up!!!! I always did!!!

I was fiercely protective of him...to this day I still try at times to protect him. When I finally fell...I fell hard. The day I knew that I loved him...I knew I would do anything for this man...and I did. I gave him absolutely everything I could to show him how deeply I loved him...that my love was unconditional...that I loved HIM...not his circumstance...not his checkbook...not is past. You see very early in our relationship he told me that he had never felt true/unconditional love. He felt like everyone in his life based their love for him on his actions. When he did good things the love was there...when he messed up the love was gone. He shared struggles with me...he shared some of his past...I knew he had demons in the past that he fought....and I was determined to be that person he could depend on no matter what. I was determined that this man would not live his life wondering when I might take my love back. Now that I look back I think that I was trying to fill that place that he has to look to God to fill. I wanted to rescue him...but oh how I loved him.!!!! Even as the tears flow now...even as angry and betrayed as I feel in this moment...I still remember the love I had....I still miss the man I thought I was giving my life to...I still have a part of me that would do anything to save him if I thought I could. So much of me wants him to know how deeply he was loved....that I would have supported him, encouraged him, stood by his side through anything this life threw at him. All I needed were love and honesty.

After everything that has happened the last 2 months....well 5 months if I'm going to be really honest...which we will get to...I feel like I should be relieved...I should see the blessing in this...I should know that he wasn't the man God has for me. But honestly....I still want the man I thought he was...I still miss THAT man...I still miss his laugh...I still miss him making me laugh...I miss his hugs...I miss his crooked smile....I miss the simple things...I miss him sitting by me on the sofa...I miss wrestling...I miss lazy Saturday mornings...I miss hanging out with his family...I miss Broadway sing alongs...I miss all the us moments...there were so many tmac/dmac moments and I miss it!!!

I know that there are people reading this that will be so mad at me for that. But it is true...I still miss what I thought I had....even if reality continues to prove to me daily that my reality was not true reality. I still miss my love. To this day he will tell you that I broke up with him...I guess I just finally accepted the truth....and the truth sliced me to the core. I still feel abandoned/betrayed/manipulated...and I still love him. How is that even a little bit possible??

Oh...yall...I don't know if I can do this!!!!!! I'm not sure if these are healing tears!!!!! How can this still hurt so much after EVERYTHING I know now....how can he still hurt me like this????

I guess what I do KNOW right now is that God has my heart and he will put it back together. I know that he will never hurt me....I think that with time will come healing. I pray that I can find forgiveness for him...and for myself. I know that God has already forgiven me for my mistakes. I know that I am blessed with an incredible group of friends and family that have supported me through tears, snot, a few four letter words and even a few shots. I know that I am a beautiful, strong, funny woman that has the ability to love deeply. I know that I fought with everything I had to show him that love...and I know that he knows...maybe down very deep....but he knows that I loved him with all that I had...and I always would have!!!!

ok peeps...can't proof read this one...tears making the computer a bit blurry...hope you understand!!!

She's back!!

Ok friends...I'm back!! For those of you who know me well you no doubt know the utter devastation I have experienced the last few months. It has been the most heart breaking season in my life. I've struggled how much and what to share here. BUT....when I started this little journey two years ago I promised I wouldn't do this if I wasn't absolutely willing to be completely open and honest. So that is what I have to be...its gonna be a bumpy ride for a little while but I'm learning lessons every day and maybe someone else will learn something from my pain. So this girl is back on track and ready to share the hurricane that blew through my life the last 15 months. It's funny....I didn't blog throughout the storm....I was afraid I was going to jinx it...maybe blogging during the storm would have saved me from it...

OK...here we go....

Just a word of warning....this is a VERY long story...not one I will be able to tell in a couple of posts...its gonna take me a while....and quite honestly...my emotions are all over the place right now. Some days I am crushed....some days I'm absolutely pissed...some days I'm still in shock....some I'm disgusted to the point of being physically ill....all I can tell you is I'm not trying to mask ANY of it...how I feel that day is how I feel....you may get a paragraph...you may get 5 pages...this is just going to happen as it happens...so hold on...here we go...