Yes...I am!!!!!

WOW....I am a BAD blogger!!! I've had so much going on the last couple of months. So much to share and at the same time I've really had a hard time sitting down to get it all out. I'm always surprised who reads this stuff and this transparency and honesty thing can be a bit....well...lets just say it's very tough for me to continue to put it all out there for the world to see. BUT...that's the deal I made so here I go!!

So....I feel like I should give a parental advisory warning on this. I'm gonna be pretty open here... about a struggle that is more "adult content" than most of what I talk about...soooooo you may want to read this before you decide if ya want to let one of your teens or tweens read it.

OK....warnings out of the way...here I go before I chicken out!!! Most of y'all know me pretty well....and for the most part most of you share the same values as I do. I've always held onto those values and morals as such a central part of who I am. I totally understand that my beliefs are not common these days but that never really bothered me before. But for the first time I think I've let someone lead me down a self doubt, self questioning road.

I met him a couple years ago. He is one of those guys that always kept my interest even though our communication was sporadic at best. In fact we managed to talk and text off and on for a year and a half without ever meeting in person. I think we had at least a half dozen dates set up but something always came up...half my fault/half his....but for whatever reason we always managed to keep in touch. (or if he tells ya the story HE kept in touch because I "NEVER" called him....my bad???) Well, the moon and stars finally lined up and guess what....we actually went on a date....and sit down for this one...it was actually a good date...I know...shut up right???? He was such a sweetie...did all the right things...held the door(for me and the older ladies walking a few feet behind me), pulled out my chair, easy to talk to, smart, he even runs!!!! I actually had faith in the male species after this date. It wasn't all butterflies and walking on air but it was a little half grin and twinkle in the eye kinda date....and ya know I thought maybe that was how things are supposed to start.

So..things were going well...and I'm actually looking forward to getting together again. So we are hanging out at his place and everyone is feeling nice and cozy...talking...watching a little Olympics...just nice relaxed hanging out time....then it happened!!!! That boy was all over me!!!!! Now I'm guilty here too...I am an affectionate person and it was nice touching, kissing, holding hands with someone that I really liked and bonus time...was really attracted to....BUT!!!! Lets just say that things got a little...no alot...over heated pretty quickly. As hands started coming out of the wood work I say something I wish I could take back....some stupid comment about needing to slow it down because I'm a "sweet, innocent thang" How I wish I could have that moment back...if I'd just said stop...or no...or your about to get you butt kicked by a girl if ya try that one more time!!!! But NOOOOOOO....I had to say sweet and innocent. So...guess what his reply was...."its not like you're a virgin." And for the first time in my life I wasn't proud enough of that to just say YES I AM!!! Instead I try to lead the conversation somewhere else. Ya see...I've had that conversation before and there are two responses....I get either...wow...see ya later or it becomes a complete obsession and a game of 20 questions. And honestly...i think I prefer the "see ya later" response. Well as you can guess the conversation stays right where it started...i wasn't getting out of that. So after a few minutes of cat and mouse I told him yes. Well...he was a 20 questions guy...and you don't want to know what those questions consist of!!! The worst part is that I didn't have enough respect for myself in that moment to tell him to drop it...I actually continued to discuss it with him. Now..don't get me wrong...he wasn't a total jerk about it...I think just curious. He couldn't fathom how a 34 year old was still a virgin...and why??? In fact I really don't think he believed me for a long time! His point was that nobody would expect me to be and then he felt the need to point out that I must be the last one!!!

So as I sat there with head spinning like that ride at the carnival that drops the floor out from below your feet, I started questioning it myself. And honestly for the first time thought to myself...why is it such a big deal...NOBODY else waits at my age!! Sure...when you are young in college and in your early 20's it is kinda sweet to be waiting...but really 34...pushing 35 whats the point!!???!!! I remember talking to one of my college roommates. We both laughed a joked that we were waiting until we were married....or at least till we were 35. At the time it was funny...now that I'm getting to be 35 not so funny anymore!! Now don't get me wrong...I wasn't questioning that momemt...I wasn't just caught up in the warm fuzzy feel goods....and I certainly wasn't thinking about going further with him...I was questioning myself for days....my questions were much deeper than hormones.

Now I KNOW exactly who those questioning thoughts were coming from...but just the fact that I questioned myself at all really has me frustrated. I've always been so strong about that...never embarrassed or shy about it. So why now...all of a sudden...do I feel like a total FREAK!!!! Why do I feel like I'm holding onto something soooooo tightly that has no value to anyone. Why do I feel like I'm walking down a deserted road that only has a flickering light pole guide me when there is a busy freeway with tons of options just around the corner. And why, all of a sudden, do I question something that I've trusted my entire life??? I used to think that I'd meet a great guy that not only accepted that but appreciated it...now I feel like I'll never meet anyone because of it. It's almost like the scarlet letter...just backwards.

I have to say that even in the midst of my doubt that I continue to be blessed by my friends...sometimes I long for single girlfriends....someone who is in the middle of it with me....right now!!! But....then again maybe they would be just as confused....we'd probably just sit there and eat cookie dough!! What I do have is amazing married friends that remind me that I'm not a FREAK!!! One of my girls told me this week that I am a jewel. Jewels are rare....but precious when you find one

...I'm trying to remember that.

Longings

So...today has not been a good day. I just want to curl up in bed and wish the world away. This is SOOOOOOOOOO hard for me to write...there is still so much of me that wants to always be "up." I struggle with sharing this because its not fun, happy, hopeful. But I don't feel those things today...I just feel alone! And even though I KNOW that what I "feel" isn't what is truth...today it is hard to get past those feelings. I can't even get my booty in gear enough to go for a run.... :(

So...here are my guts...not real pretty today...but honest!!
Today I am longing...my heart hurts...

I long for companionship
I long for laughter
I long for warmth
I long for a strong hug that says it's ok
I long for help
I long for leadership
I long for a sense of home
I long for encouragement
I long to feel wanted
I long to feel needed
I long for security
I long for someone to hold my hand
I long for guidance
I long for a smile
I long for connectedness
I long for openness
I long for sofa talk
I long to be known


I long to give all of those things to someone else


I long for him

Mirror Mirror

Wow....it's been a crazy month. I've had these thoughts running through my head for weeks but no time to sit down to let the fingers purge!

So girls this one is for all of you...and just know that I am totally convicted of everything I'm about to say...so I hope no toes are stepped on....well not true...if they need to be stepped on just know that I'm stepping with love!!!

Well I guess I should do the background thing first....for those who might not know. These days I tend to get the "cute" label....I'm not a beauty queen....certainly not HOT...just the all american "cutie pie." BUT that is a new one for me...growing up I was "smart" "musical" "funny" oh yea...the best one "sweet." But never was I the pretty girl....I even had people ask me how it felt to be the "ugly sister!!" Now...I was always very overweight. I never really thought too much about it...it was just who Tara was. About 3 years ago I saw a video of myself and was shocked...totally didn't recognize that girl...who I felt like on the inside wasn't what you saw on the outside. Then I saw a picture of myself when I was about 5 or 6. I just sat there and cried and told that little girl that I was going to do better for her...for me...she deserved better than I was giving her!! I worked my booty of..literally...and lost 60 lbs in about 15 months. I even ran a stinkin marathon just to prove to myself that I could!!! So...you'd think that I'd be jumping up and down proud of myself...right....NO!!! I'm harder on myself now that ever before...I'm so focused on every little flaw....and for the longest time I thought it was just me....but recently I've discoverd it seems to be all of us....and I can't help but ask WHY??? I was talking to one of the best girls I know and telling her that I totally hate myself somedays...all I see are flaws....fine hair, round belly, less than firm arms, chubby legs....She stopped me and said girl I feel the same way most of the time! WHAT??? She always semed to be so secure...few complaints about her body...how did she feel that way. A few days later I'm reading and article in a magazine and its talking about how Jessica Simpson felt insecure about herself since her ex was seeing Jennifer Aniston. YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME RIGHT!!!! Jessica Simpson...the Daisy Duke girl...insecure...HOW???

Then I began to realize I have such a warped view of beauty. Beauty is not a size 0 or 2....beauty is not blonde locks and big boobs. Beauty is not the perfect bikini body. Now don't get me wrong....losing the weight I lost was important for my health...for me it helped me really start living my life instead of simply going through it. But when I think about what I value, what defines me, what I want people to think of when they talk about me...none of that changes if I'm a size 6 or a size 12! So why do I struggle so much with it...why do I think I need to look like a 21 year old supermodel to be beautiful. Why do I see myself in the carnival mirror instead of through God's eyes...why does my definition of beauty focus primarily on the the "wrapping?"

OK...true confession...I'll spend 2 hours at the gym and not be able to "find time" for a quality quiet time, I'll get up at 5:00am to go for a long run but fall asleep while saying my prayers that night, I work hard to shape my outside into a form that I hope my future husband will appreciate but honestly focus little on shaping my heart to prepare for marriage. If I look at where I spend my time and energy you would think my heart's desire is to be a Victoria's Secret model not a fabulous wife!!!

Now I'm not saying there is anything wrong with my time at the gym, my marathon training, or even the total insanity of doing an Ironman (yep...i think I might have to do it!!!) In fact I know that I am a better ME because of the time that I take to take care of myself....BUT...I have been convicted that I focus sooooooooooooo much of my self value on something that God doesn't even see. Maybe this is a shocker but he cares far more about the number of people I share Christ with than number of crunches I do.

So how do I change where I place that value. I think about the time I spend getting ready for a date...30 min picking out something to wear...at least....another 30 min changing my mind...20 min shower...30 min hair...15 min makeup....30 in changing clothes...again....and what 2 or 3 min praying about it.....hmmmmmm and do I really wonder why I think this dating thing is soooooo hard. As I write it I 'm so embarrased...it's one thing to not know what you shoud do...its another thing to know it and still make the other choice...is it just me here????

Lord lend me your eyes...help me to see me the way you see me....show me the ugliness that I keep deep inside. Give me a beautiful spirt that knows how to give, love, encourage. Thank you for health...thank you for this amazing package you put us in...I stand amazed daily at the beauty of your creation....(I may be a medical nerd, but anatomy is pretty stinking cool) Thank you for making us all beautifully different. Lord I pray for all my girls out there...show them that even on a bad hair day....and yes...even a "fat"day...they are stunning to you!!!!

Greener Grass

Before I get going I have to give a few thanks ....first to all of my sweet friends who have emailed, called, and commented here...I LOVE YALL!!! Yes....I KNOW that he totally missed out on a GREAT girl...(and the best part is that I say that with 100% of my heart believing it!!!) And...to all of those who offered to cause him bodily harm...yall are tooooo funny....but thanks...glad to know that so many people have my back!!!

Oh...and for those of you who said I should make this into a book....let me just say....PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't let me have enough to say on this topic that it could ever turn into a book. Hopefully this will be a very short chapter in the love story that God is writing for me!!

Well...I'm sorry for leaving yall hanging...but this being open and honest thing has been more difficult than I thought. Not so much sharing it but really being able to process my feelings myself. Such a huge part of me wants to say hey all is good...life is perfect...I love the freedom of being single..BUT we all know that those are all partial truths! For those of you who don't know me well...please know that I am well past the idealism/romanticism that I had in my early 20's...and I don't want this to ever sound like a whiny..."I just want to get married so I'll be happy" moment. I am not waiting for a knight in shining armour to come in and make life perfect...I know that marriage isn't all about romantic evenings, soft music, and candles. I'm so grateful that I didn't get married when I was younger because the expectations I would have had of a husband would have been unattainable for any man. I thank God for the priceless gift of time to watch other marriages...both strong and utter disasters! How many blessings should I count from lessons learned during this time of singleness. Lessons that I've been able to learn without having to carry the emotional baggage along with me into my own relationship. Anyway....I guess all that to say that I KNOW that marriage isn't a fairy tale...but neither is being a bachellorette. Why do we always see the green grass in another pasture...I will be the first to admit that singleness has some perks...I can pretty much do what I want, when I want, and have as many shoes as I want without having to clear it with anyone. BUT...I'd give up the great new shoes, the sassy dress and the SWEET new bag for someone to pray with every night, someone to find encouragement from, someone who makes me feel like I'm home....I'd trade it...even my favorite heels...in a heartbeat. BUT today it's not a trade I have to make so I'm going to chose to enjoy the blessings of singleness...ok I'm supposed to be honest...so I'll say I'm going to remind myself of them and try to make the right choice...no guarantees!!

Ok...this is NOT what I had been planning on sharing with yall...there is a totally different topic I've been dealing with for the last week, and as I've opened myself up and tried to confront it I've been absolutely shocked to see how universal a struggle it is. I'm amazed that we can be so unique, have such diverse stories and histories, and still seem to fight the same battles. Ahhh...could it be that we battle the same enemy?? ok peeps...as much as I don't want to...I think I'm gonna put this on hold...It is a topic better saved for my next post...when I have a fresh brain!! (It's 2:00 am and I really wish I could sleep!!!) So...I promise to get back soon...

SO...goodnight all...to my single friends...enjoy it...do what ya love...have fun and learn a few lessons in the process...don't waste this God given season wishing it away! How many days have I wasted wishing/praying my singleness away instead of living today and squeezing every second out of that gift. And to my married girls...love that man...even when he irritates you, be grateful that he tried to load the dishwasher...even if he didn't get it just right, initiate a little romance...why does he have to do all the work...and sit down and watch the stinkin' game with him (not talk through it)...it won't kill you...I promise!!! Whether you are single or married, parents or not just yet...cherish the relationships you have...spouses, friends, children, siblings, coworkers..nurture them, invest in them...they no doubt need it!!

And to the writer of our story... Lord, thank you for seasons....thank you for time that I far to often throw away and for multiple chances to learn lessons I should have caught the first time. Thank you for giving me a glimpse of that other pasture but keeping me in mine till I'm ready!

Voices

(I've been struggling whether to post this or not....how simple my life is and how minimal are my struggles compared to the devastation we've seen the last week in Myanmar and more recently China. My heart hurts for all those who have experienced this unmeasurable devastation and pain....and at the same moment I'm soooo angry at those who are so hardened and cold that they refuse assistance to their own people in such a tragedy. So please know as you read this that I'm aware of how trivial all this is in the face of these events!)

Ok peeps. It has been a tough weekend. I am still struggling with some emotions that I'm having a hard time explaining. Emotions that make no sense to me...but yet are so real that they seem to have the ability to make me physically ill. I so want to just bottle it up...pretend it's not there...run away from it...as fast and as far as I can! Why do I let the world get to me...why do I hear the lies louder than I hear the love? And I can't figure out a way to explain this roller coaster without sharing some history...

Lets start with recent history...after all its easier to open up a scar that hasn't fully healed...Let me introduce you to...hmmm...I sooooo want to call him Mr. Big...it is the most fitting descriptor I can think of...but I believe someone else has already used it...I'll just call him Big B. I met B in March...and there was something about him that I liked instantly...which is rare for me. After our first date I felt like I was walking on air...had a smile on my face for the next three days...and butterflies in my stomach. I thought I had finally met a guy who had a genuine heart for people and a desire to have a God centered relationship. After that first date Big and I started talking daily...multiple times a day. Within a week B was calling me sharing a tragedy he was dealing with. First I was taken back that he would call to talk to me about it....did he really feel that comfortable with me already? But...I was glad that he would share....there was a man that was willing to talk about his feelings AND he wanted to talk to me. Then the "cutie," "sweetie," "sugar" names started. Honestly....I was starting to feel like a Jr. high girl...all giddy when he would call. I am usually sooooo reserved and protective that it was difficult for me to be open to any romantic feelings that fast. One of those moments when your head and your heart are in a total dichotomy. My nature has always been to hold back and see....ya know...go with the head to protect the heart. I've been accused more than once of not showing enough interest...I think it is just self preservation...I'm scared to death of feeling that hurt that comes with getting your hopes up. BUT...I didn't want to miss out on this guy because I didn't let him know that Yes...I am interested. So....for the first....well second time in my life I decided to just go for it...forget trying to figure out what makes sense, what is logical, how everyone else would handle it...just let it happen. MISTAKE!!! Things seemed great we made plans to get together again and both seemed really excited about getting more face time....then things started going downhill...B hurt himself at work....or so he said...and we had to cancel...then his cell phone was tuned off for a few days...does anyone see a pattern here. Yep....me too! Well...me too in hindsight. At the time I just wanted everything to be ok...I wanted him to be ok. I'm not a drama queen and I had no reason to not believe him...plus...I WANTED him to be that genuine, honest, transparent, sweet guy that made me believe that just maybe there could be...with time...a happily ever after. The next week was more of the same...lots of phone time...joking, laughing. playfulness, and hoping we'd find a way to get some quality time together....then the weekend came. SILENCE! The last conversation I had with him was on that Friday night...just a normal...how are things going...no depth of your soul conversation...no arguments. He said...text me when ya finish with your run tomorrow....I'm trying to get someone to cover for me...maybe we can do something. After that nothing...texted to check on him....nothing. I finally emailed him after not hearing from him for three days. I was soooooo torn...I was half worried half totally ticked off...well 1/4 worried and 3/4 ticked off ! Basically just needed to know where he stood....and I needed him to know where I stood....the guy I met a month earlier...totally worth investing myself in...the guy that who had an excuse for everything and was incapable of following through on something as simple as a phone call....not so much! The next day an email...here's the cliff notes...difficult weekend with family problems....sooooo sorry....knows he shut down and apologized again...ended with...I'm such a blessing and he'll call later to fill me in. Well....three weeks later and I'm still waiting. Well...that's not true...I'm definitely NOT waiting. No explanation, no this just isn't working, no I have too much happening, no there is someone else....just SILENCE....I feel totally discarded...kind of like a piece of used gum. I hate that he has made me question peoples sincerity....maybe I'm too naive, but I want to believe people are who they claim to be. How is it possible to be a blessing to someone one day and nothing to them the next? It's funny as I sit here and replay it...looking at it I say...girl...kick that boy to the curb...he is not worth one more tear and you KNOW you deserve better.....but inside I still hurt...I still want answers....I still think that there had to be some terrible misunderstanding....BUT I know that isn't going to happen...so how do I get my spunk back??? As much as it bothers me that I'll never get the chance to know the truth....what I regret most is the fact that for the first time in my life there is someone that I've dated that I can't run into and have a genuine "hello...good to see you" conversation. And you may just want to shake me silly for this one...but there is even a part of me that feels the need to apologize to him....how STUPID is that...I don't even know what I'd apologize for....but my nature is to make things right...and it kills me that I can't.

Obviously dealing with this has been difficult...not just the ending...but the feelings of insecurity that I didn't realize were still there. I'm a pretty confident person in most situations...but there is something about romantic relationships that makes me feel soooo vulnerable...so insecure. How I wish I had a mute button for the negative voices in my head that scream...I'm not good enough...not pretty enough...not funny enough... WHY??? Why do I let someone who never even had the chance to know the real, layers pulled, uncensored me...someone who has no idea who the real T is down deep me make me question who I am and my value as a woman, friend, daughter, sister. It's taking a while but I'm slowly learning that this is not a ME issue. And to be totally open here I still think about it...and get mad at myself for thinking about it. I can't change history, I can't change the fact that I believed in someone that proved me wrong...and I SHOULDN'T change the fact that I take people at face value. So what do I change....what can I learn...how do I start fresh...I'm still not sure. What I do know is that I can only change me...and to be the strong, supportive, confident, encouraging wife I will need to be one day...I have to battle the voices that were lurking in the shadows until now. It's not a boyfriend's, husband's, friend's, or parent's place to quiet them...that is my choice....who do I choose to listen to....the cruel comments of high school boys, strangers in the mall, people who claimed to be friends...or the ONE who says I am beautifully and perfectly made??? Seems like it should be an easy choice...oh girls....how I wish it was!!

The best thing I got out of my 6 weeks with B was a clarifying moment with God....and a bonding moment with my daddy. As I was struggling and beating myself up for playing it and replaying it in my mind I prayed that God would just take the hurt away...some of it was hurt because of his actions, but more the hurt I'd caused myself through all the negative self talk and questioning my own judgement. As I begged God to just make it stop....take it out of my brain...he told me something about myself. Ya see...I have a heart that can be hurt very deeply...but he showed me that he created my heart that way because that was the only way to give me a heart that can love endlessly. So through my tears I praised God for the hurt, for the confusion, for the heartache....because I know that God's creation is never flawed or broken.

As for that moment with my daddy...I think God just wanted to show off a little that day...he decided to give this little girl love from both her heavenly and earthly fathers. I called to talk to my mom...ya know we girls tend to talk more to mom that dad about these things...well mom was out but dad said...you want to talk to me about it....ummmmm...NO!! I said...it's kinda a girl thing. Dad just said that's ok...just know that I love ya baby...so I told him the entire story. Daddy's response....I don't know why this happened....I can't explain why a young man would treat a young lady that way. (isn't daddy nice..."young man" not the description I would have chosen..hehe) What he said next just wrapped around me like a warm blanket on a snowy night..."what I do know is that God NEVER makes a mistake"...

So thank you God...thank you for creating me with a heart that hurts...thank you for helping me to hear the voice of truth over the voices of my past, thank you for amazing friends that love me through it all, thank you for your protection, and thank you for NEVER making mistakes.

Here we go!!!

Ok...I really can't believe that I'm doing this...but after encouragement from many friends I'm going to give this a shot. For those of you who don't know me well...here is a little background. My relationship with Christ is the most important relationship in my life....He truly is my strength, my hope, my guide! Unfortunately...you can't always see that in the choices I make...but I'm working on that. As for dating...wow...how to say this nicely...we can just call me a "late bloomer." I'll share more on that later but suffice it to say that there is a new me...and sometimes I still have to remind myself of that!!!!!

So why did I decide to blog about trying to make it though the world of dating? Honestly...some of it is purely selfish...writing helps me process my feelings and because I'm soooooo analytical it just helps me to make sense of what is going on....sometimes! The other reason is that most of the time I feel like I am totally and completely alone in my journey. I know if I feel that that there are others out there who struggle also...soooo feel free to share this...I'm leaving it open to everyone!

Now...here is the kicker....I am SOOOOOOOOOOO NOT the "lets be open and share all of our feelings" type. I am VERY protective of my heart and am usually very selective who I choose to let near to the raw side of my emotions. BUT...I've promised myself that if I am going to do this, I am going to do it uncensored. I'm taking yall with me through it all. There will be days that I'm joyful, angry, hopeful, confused..and everything in between. Just know that I'm going to be REAL about where I am. Some days my faith is stronger than others...I'm not going to try to be perfect...just HONEST!!!

As I prayed about starting this I had a very freeing and convicting moment with God. I have prayed for my husband since I was in the seventh grade....constantly. Prayed that he grow close to God, prayed for protection, prayed for his family...you name it I've prayed for it. A couple of weeks ago I was feeling very alone and just praying that God provide for me. I sometimes like to remind God of what I think I need and how my heart feels...as if he is ever unaware of that!!! As I reminded him....again...of the longing my heart has for a husband...he so gently and quietly told me that he knows...he understands...and he wants me to have that deep longing for HIM. How simple it seems...the God that created me and loves me so passionately that he allowed his precious Son to die for me...he wants me to yearn for HIM...FIRST!!!! Something I've always known...but it took me a while to totally get it. And what is even harder for me to comprehend is that he already has that longing for a deeper relationship with me. I'm amazed that the God that created this amazing, beautiful, ridiculously indescribable life longs for ME. Now...did he take away the longing...not even close...in fact I feel like he tousled my hair and said "I know child...I know." What more could I need...HE KNOWS!!!