Yes...I am!!!!!

WOW....I am a BAD blogger!!! I've had so much going on the last couple of months. So much to share and at the same time I've really had a hard time sitting down to get it all out. I'm always surprised who reads this stuff and this transparency and honesty thing can be a bit....well...lets just say it's very tough for me to continue to put it all out there for the world to see. BUT...that's the deal I made so here I go!!

So....I feel like I should give a parental advisory warning on this. I'm gonna be pretty open here... about a struggle that is more "adult content" than most of what I talk about...soooooo you may want to read this before you decide if ya want to let one of your teens or tweens read it.

OK....warnings out of the way...here I go before I chicken out!!! Most of y'all know me pretty well....and for the most part most of you share the same values as I do. I've always held onto those values and morals as such a central part of who I am. I totally understand that my beliefs are not common these days but that never really bothered me before. But for the first time I think I've let someone lead me down a self doubt, self questioning road.

I met him a couple years ago. He is one of those guys that always kept my interest even though our communication was sporadic at best. In fact we managed to talk and text off and on for a year and a half without ever meeting in person. I think we had at least a half dozen dates set up but something always came up...half my fault/half his....but for whatever reason we always managed to keep in touch. (or if he tells ya the story HE kept in touch because I "NEVER" called him....my bad???) Well, the moon and stars finally lined up and guess what....we actually went on a date....and sit down for this one...it was actually a good date...I know...shut up right???? He was such a sweetie...did all the right things...held the door(for me and the older ladies walking a few feet behind me), pulled out my chair, easy to talk to, smart, he even runs!!!! I actually had faith in the male species after this date. It wasn't all butterflies and walking on air but it was a little half grin and twinkle in the eye kinda date....and ya know I thought maybe that was how things are supposed to start.

So..things were going well...and I'm actually looking forward to getting together again. So we are hanging out at his place and everyone is feeling nice and cozy...talking...watching a little Olympics...just nice relaxed hanging out time....then it happened!!!! That boy was all over me!!!!! Now I'm guilty here too...I am an affectionate person and it was nice touching, kissing, holding hands with someone that I really liked and bonus time...was really attracted to....BUT!!!! Lets just say that things got a little...no alot...over heated pretty quickly. As hands started coming out of the wood work I say something I wish I could take back....some stupid comment about needing to slow it down because I'm a "sweet, innocent thang" How I wish I could have that moment back...if I'd just said stop...or no...or your about to get you butt kicked by a girl if ya try that one more time!!!! But NOOOOOOO....I had to say sweet and innocent. So...guess what his reply was...."its not like you're a virgin." And for the first time in my life I wasn't proud enough of that to just say YES I AM!!! Instead I try to lead the conversation somewhere else. Ya see...I've had that conversation before and there are two responses....I get either...wow...see ya later or it becomes a complete obsession and a game of 20 questions. And honestly...i think I prefer the "see ya later" response. Well as you can guess the conversation stays right where it started...i wasn't getting out of that. So after a few minutes of cat and mouse I told him yes. Well...he was a 20 questions guy...and you don't want to know what those questions consist of!!! The worst part is that I didn't have enough respect for myself in that moment to tell him to drop it...I actually continued to discuss it with him. Now..don't get me wrong...he wasn't a total jerk about it...I think just curious. He couldn't fathom how a 34 year old was still a virgin...and why??? In fact I really don't think he believed me for a long time! His point was that nobody would expect me to be and then he felt the need to point out that I must be the last one!!!

So as I sat there with head spinning like that ride at the carnival that drops the floor out from below your feet, I started questioning it myself. And honestly for the first time thought to myself...why is it such a big deal...NOBODY else waits at my age!! Sure...when you are young in college and in your early 20's it is kinda sweet to be waiting...but really 34...pushing 35 whats the point!!???!!! I remember talking to one of my college roommates. We both laughed a joked that we were waiting until we were married....or at least till we were 35. At the time it was funny...now that I'm getting to be 35 not so funny anymore!! Now don't get me wrong...I wasn't questioning that momemt...I wasn't just caught up in the warm fuzzy feel goods....and I certainly wasn't thinking about going further with him...I was questioning myself for days....my questions were much deeper than hormones.

Now I KNOW exactly who those questioning thoughts were coming from...but just the fact that I questioned myself at all really has me frustrated. I've always been so strong about that...never embarrassed or shy about it. So why now...all of a sudden...do I feel like a total FREAK!!!! Why do I feel like I'm holding onto something soooooo tightly that has no value to anyone. Why do I feel like I'm walking down a deserted road that only has a flickering light pole guide me when there is a busy freeway with tons of options just around the corner. And why, all of a sudden, do I question something that I've trusted my entire life??? I used to think that I'd meet a great guy that not only accepted that but appreciated it...now I feel like I'll never meet anyone because of it. It's almost like the scarlet letter...just backwards.

I have to say that even in the midst of my doubt that I continue to be blessed by my friends...sometimes I long for single girlfriends....someone who is in the middle of it with me....right now!!! But....then again maybe they would be just as confused....we'd probably just sit there and eat cookie dough!! What I do have is amazing married friends that remind me that I'm not a FREAK!!! One of my girls told me this week that I am a jewel. Jewels are rare....but precious when you find one

...I'm trying to remember that.