Voices

(I've been struggling whether to post this or not....how simple my life is and how minimal are my struggles compared to the devastation we've seen the last week in Myanmar and more recently China. My heart hurts for all those who have experienced this unmeasurable devastation and pain....and at the same moment I'm soooo angry at those who are so hardened and cold that they refuse assistance to their own people in such a tragedy. So please know as you read this that I'm aware of how trivial all this is in the face of these events!)

Ok peeps. It has been a tough weekend. I am still struggling with some emotions that I'm having a hard time explaining. Emotions that make no sense to me...but yet are so real that they seem to have the ability to make me physically ill. I so want to just bottle it up...pretend it's not there...run away from it...as fast and as far as I can! Why do I let the world get to me...why do I hear the lies louder than I hear the love? And I can't figure out a way to explain this roller coaster without sharing some history...

Lets start with recent history...after all its easier to open up a scar that hasn't fully healed...Let me introduce you to...hmmm...I sooooo want to call him Mr. Big...it is the most fitting descriptor I can think of...but I believe someone else has already used it...I'll just call him Big B. I met B in March...and there was something about him that I liked instantly...which is rare for me. After our first date I felt like I was walking on air...had a smile on my face for the next three days...and butterflies in my stomach. I thought I had finally met a guy who had a genuine heart for people and a desire to have a God centered relationship. After that first date Big and I started talking daily...multiple times a day. Within a week B was calling me sharing a tragedy he was dealing with. First I was taken back that he would call to talk to me about it....did he really feel that comfortable with me already? But...I was glad that he would share....there was a man that was willing to talk about his feelings AND he wanted to talk to me. Then the "cutie," "sweetie," "sugar" names started. Honestly....I was starting to feel like a Jr. high girl...all giddy when he would call. I am usually sooooo reserved and protective that it was difficult for me to be open to any romantic feelings that fast. One of those moments when your head and your heart are in a total dichotomy. My nature has always been to hold back and see....ya know...go with the head to protect the heart. I've been accused more than once of not showing enough interest...I think it is just self preservation...I'm scared to death of feeling that hurt that comes with getting your hopes up. BUT...I didn't want to miss out on this guy because I didn't let him know that Yes...I am interested. So....for the first....well second time in my life I decided to just go for it...forget trying to figure out what makes sense, what is logical, how everyone else would handle it...just let it happen. MISTAKE!!! Things seemed great we made plans to get together again and both seemed really excited about getting more face time....then things started going downhill...B hurt himself at work....or so he said...and we had to cancel...then his cell phone was tuned off for a few days...does anyone see a pattern here. Yep....me too! Well...me too in hindsight. At the time I just wanted everything to be ok...I wanted him to be ok. I'm not a drama queen and I had no reason to not believe him...plus...I WANTED him to be that genuine, honest, transparent, sweet guy that made me believe that just maybe there could be...with time...a happily ever after. The next week was more of the same...lots of phone time...joking, laughing. playfulness, and hoping we'd find a way to get some quality time together....then the weekend came. SILENCE! The last conversation I had with him was on that Friday night...just a normal...how are things going...no depth of your soul conversation...no arguments. He said...text me when ya finish with your run tomorrow....I'm trying to get someone to cover for me...maybe we can do something. After that nothing...texted to check on him....nothing. I finally emailed him after not hearing from him for three days. I was soooooo torn...I was half worried half totally ticked off...well 1/4 worried and 3/4 ticked off ! Basically just needed to know where he stood....and I needed him to know where I stood....the guy I met a month earlier...totally worth investing myself in...the guy that who had an excuse for everything and was incapable of following through on something as simple as a phone call....not so much! The next day an email...here's the cliff notes...difficult weekend with family problems....sooooo sorry....knows he shut down and apologized again...ended with...I'm such a blessing and he'll call later to fill me in. Well....three weeks later and I'm still waiting. Well...that's not true...I'm definitely NOT waiting. No explanation, no this just isn't working, no I have too much happening, no there is someone else....just SILENCE....I feel totally discarded...kind of like a piece of used gum. I hate that he has made me question peoples sincerity....maybe I'm too naive, but I want to believe people are who they claim to be. How is it possible to be a blessing to someone one day and nothing to them the next? It's funny as I sit here and replay it...looking at it I say...girl...kick that boy to the curb...he is not worth one more tear and you KNOW you deserve better.....but inside I still hurt...I still want answers....I still think that there had to be some terrible misunderstanding....BUT I know that isn't going to happen...so how do I get my spunk back??? As much as it bothers me that I'll never get the chance to know the truth....what I regret most is the fact that for the first time in my life there is someone that I've dated that I can't run into and have a genuine "hello...good to see you" conversation. And you may just want to shake me silly for this one...but there is even a part of me that feels the need to apologize to him....how STUPID is that...I don't even know what I'd apologize for....but my nature is to make things right...and it kills me that I can't.

Obviously dealing with this has been difficult...not just the ending...but the feelings of insecurity that I didn't realize were still there. I'm a pretty confident person in most situations...but there is something about romantic relationships that makes me feel soooo vulnerable...so insecure. How I wish I had a mute button for the negative voices in my head that scream...I'm not good enough...not pretty enough...not funny enough... WHY??? Why do I let someone who never even had the chance to know the real, layers pulled, uncensored me...someone who has no idea who the real T is down deep me make me question who I am and my value as a woman, friend, daughter, sister. It's taking a while but I'm slowly learning that this is not a ME issue. And to be totally open here I still think about it...and get mad at myself for thinking about it. I can't change history, I can't change the fact that I believed in someone that proved me wrong...and I SHOULDN'T change the fact that I take people at face value. So what do I change....what can I learn...how do I start fresh...I'm still not sure. What I do know is that I can only change me...and to be the strong, supportive, confident, encouraging wife I will need to be one day...I have to battle the voices that were lurking in the shadows until now. It's not a boyfriend's, husband's, friend's, or parent's place to quiet them...that is my choice....who do I choose to listen to....the cruel comments of high school boys, strangers in the mall, people who claimed to be friends...or the ONE who says I am beautifully and perfectly made??? Seems like it should be an easy choice...oh girls....how I wish it was!!

The best thing I got out of my 6 weeks with B was a clarifying moment with God....and a bonding moment with my daddy. As I was struggling and beating myself up for playing it and replaying it in my mind I prayed that God would just take the hurt away...some of it was hurt because of his actions, but more the hurt I'd caused myself through all the negative self talk and questioning my own judgement. As I begged God to just make it stop....take it out of my brain...he told me something about myself. Ya see...I have a heart that can be hurt very deeply...but he showed me that he created my heart that way because that was the only way to give me a heart that can love endlessly. So through my tears I praised God for the hurt, for the confusion, for the heartache....because I know that God's creation is never flawed or broken.

As for that moment with my daddy...I think God just wanted to show off a little that day...he decided to give this little girl love from both her heavenly and earthly fathers. I called to talk to my mom...ya know we girls tend to talk more to mom that dad about these things...well mom was out but dad said...you want to talk to me about it....ummmmm...NO!! I said...it's kinda a girl thing. Dad just said that's ok...just know that I love ya baby...so I told him the entire story. Daddy's response....I don't know why this happened....I can't explain why a young man would treat a young lady that way. (isn't daddy nice..."young man" not the description I would have chosen..hehe) What he said next just wrapped around me like a warm blanket on a snowy night..."what I do know is that God NEVER makes a mistake"...

So thank you God...thank you for creating me with a heart that hurts...thank you for helping me to hear the voice of truth over the voices of my past, thank you for amazing friends that love me through it all, thank you for your protection, and thank you for NEVER making mistakes.