Monday, September 27, 2010
So many emotions, so much revelation. The last month has been full of ups and downs. So I've been writing and deleting a lot. But I need to purge...I just need to get it out. I'm just going to give a little warning on this one. This is my guts...this isn't pretty...but these things I need to get out. There are tears flowing and a few four letter words slipping out these days too. I struggle with what is dirty laundry and what is fair for me to share because of the way it has affected me. I struggle with sharing things that hurt my pride...I struggle with what I saw along the way and ignored. But I don't want to struggle anymore....I just want to move on!!
For those of you who don't know. I actually had a conversation with "her." Ya see there was a bit of a blowup. I have to admit....I blew up. He sent me an email telling me to find his freaking football helmet and give it to his sister or he would call my mom. I'm not sure why but that just pushed all the wrong buttons on the wrong day. He blew through half of my savings last year plus he has yet to pay me back a penny of the money borrowed when he conned me into paying for his california move and car...he can't even mail me my ipod.....and he has the audacity to order me to find a football helmet. Can you see my utter exasperation. Anyhoo...it was a BAD day....and for once I reacted in anger v tears. I vented and told him what I thought...I was not nice yall. Then, after getting a blank email from her..."on accident" I decided that I was going to tell her how I felt about her involvement in it all. So I sent her an email...I didn't name call....I didn't yell and scream but I told her she was wrong. I told her that pursing a man who was in a relationship was wrong....I told her the emails I saw..the texts I saw...I told her that her actions contributed to my pain and I felt like I deserved to tell her directly what she did was wrong. To my surprise she emailed me back and asked it we could talk. I decided to talk to her after reading her email...after reading that she didn't know he was in a relationship....after her telling me that he had told her a very different story about us...I decided that I might hear more truth from her than I ever did from him. Not sure if it was all truth...everything couldn't be explained...there were inconsistencies. She certainly doesn't get a get out of jail free card. She new what she was doing...but I know him well enough to know what were his words....I saw enough phone records to know her time frames were true.... He lied to both of us....I kicked him to the curb because of it and she picked him up. What a prize!!! And yet the pain from that kind of betrayal cuts deeper than anything I've ever experienced.
This is what she revealed to me...he told her that we were not in a relationship. From the day I found out about the email he wrote her telling her that he never loved me the way he loved her till the day they met in Vegas. He said we were absolutely NOT in a relationship....trying to work on a friendship maybe...but not in a relationship and he was happy about it..."it needed to happen." HOW does someone do that...how does he mislead me for weeks on end...when I tried to walk away....twice he asked me to not give up. So for two months he was asking me to forgive him...to offer him grace....to "save us." He told me that he was going to prove to me that I made the right choice loving him. I remember the late night text "one day I'm going to make you my wife/my life" all the same time telling her how deeply he had loved her for years. She said the things he expressed to her were "jaw dropping" He spent two weeks with me, with his family, making memories with his sister and nephew...talking about our future during that time. HOW COULD HE....how can he have a beating heart and an ounce of compassion for me and sit here, tell me she was only a friend, she was his past and I was his future...knowing he was expressing deep "feelings" toward her. ABSOULUTE BETRAYAL...ABSOLUTE CALOUSNESS...ABSOLUTE DISREGARD!!!! I use quotations because I no longer believe he really knows what love is. He feels butterflies and excitement...those wear off...they always do!! She was in Atlanta, had two kids, getting divorced and had two brain tumors...he would never be with her. I was ridiculous to even think it. I misunderstood the emails...they were private and I shouldn't have read them because I didn't understand that it was all past. LIAR!!!! He sat on my sofa, wiped my tears, held me, and promised me he was moving back NOW to save us...to get me...to start our life. (he tells another woman that he never loved me the way he loved her less than two weeks after reconnecting on facebook and I'm the one at fault for reading emails...how about the fact that those words should never have been written.....how about acknowleding that you were a complete b8@%#@d for ever putting those words on paper!!!! How do you manipulate someones heart...how do you use them physically, emotionally, financially for weeks/months. If he LOVED her so much how could he share a life with me for those weeks. How could he do it KNOWING the heart I offered...knowing the love I had....knowing that I was fighting for us with every ounce of forgiveness and strength I had. How could anyone who felt anything for me sit there and watch me cry KNOWING what he had told her. It's not figuring things out...it's manipulation and it's abuse. What I'm guessing is he blew his paycheck during his guys trip to vegas the week before and he needed me to support him one more time...so he came home and pretended that he loved me. AWESOME!!!
He told her that he had decided a few months before he moved to California that we were not meant to be anything "long term" Perfect...he told me he was moving to start a new life for us...he told me his struggles were because I hadn't gotten there soon enough and he was afraid I wasn't coming (the week after the move his "struggles" started ...didn't take long did it??) I loaned him thousands of dollars to relocate for a job that I now have reason to believe didn't exist, I bought a car for him to use for a "new" job that he sold behind my back within a few weeks of getting it. I even paid off an old debt so that he could get a bank account because he couldn't get a bank account without my help. I did that for the man that I loved who I thought had made mistakes in the PAST...it frustrated me...but I loved him and I was willing to help him. He promised to pay me back and I trusted him. But to hear that he knew before he left that we weren't long term!!!!! How am I supposed to see that as anything but using me financially....if it walks like a duck...talks like a duck....well????? That is absolutely nothing but a con!!!
And the icing on the cake...the day before vegas. A week before vegas he sent me an email asking me to pay is phone bill and get him a plane ticket to come home for good. He said he loved me and he was sorry the last couple of months had been tough. I started looking for plane tickets. She told me the night before Vegas he sent her a text that said "the way I see it the music plays, we run into each others arms, and live happily ever after." She replied "so the only question is what song" I called him the next day and he said he loved me...he was going to Vegas with his best friend and for me to see if I could find a ticket from vegas instead of California. While he pulled up the to hotel he was texting me to pay his phone bill and go ahead and book a flight. So I get it...if he can sit there face to face with me and watch me cry lying to me over the phone is nothing right?!?! BUT..how does he ask me to pay his bills. AND here is the part that hurts the most. HE KNEW...he KNEW what he was looking for in Vegas....he knew he wanted happily ever after...he knew vegas wasnt about closure. But when it was all said and done...when I found out and called them on it...when I told him he was the worst thing that ever happened to me and I never wanted to see him again. What was his response....as soon as she left Vegas on Sunday..he texted me..."YOU killed us...YOU went CRAZY" HOW can he even pretend to be angry with me...he knew what he had been telling her for months...he knew he wanted out before he moved to California...and him cheating with her in Vegas was somehow MY fault even though he planned "happily ever after". He says I broke up with him twice that week...how would I not break up with him when he had been lying to me constantly about her...he just didn't know what I new. How in the weeks and months after vegas did he still tell me it was my fault...he was coming home to tell me he had gotten closure is what he said....(well thats what he said to me...he didn't keep that story straight with other people) he was emotioanlly and physically intimate with her but in the weeks after vegas he continued to blame me. He continued to lie...he continued to batter me emotionally.
How could he blame me...how could he write the things to me he wrote...how could he make me question what I offered in the relationship...how could HE be angry with ME. All I did is find out!!! HE did it...he killed us...he lied and cheated. She even told me he had dated another girl in California and had said they would probably have stated dating if they hadn't started a relationship in Vegas. So not oly was he willing to betray me for this "long lost love"...but he was willing to betray me for the bar fly he met...yep...sounds like he cared "deeply" for me huh!!??!! I remember the email he sent on an angry day that pointed out three reasons why we werent together. First, He had to move to California to work in his industry....ok but that never happened....to this day he still hasn't been able to be successful in his "industry"!! Second...the night I confronted him about the craigslist solicitations. He said we could have gotten past that night. He doesn't even see that it wasn't that night...it was the infedelity of soliciting strangers on CL...NOT me finding out. And the third reason he thought we were no longer together...my assumptions and not believing him that he and she were only friends....my jealousy was largely unfounded according to him. The facts say that any insecurity or jealousy I may have displayed was ENTIRELY founded....he was cheating and I knew it...i just didn't want to believe it. Really....knowing how devastated I was about the way our relationship ended...knowing the relationship he started with her almost two months before they hooked up in vegas....knowing the struggles I was having trying to understand it all...instead of being a man and admtting ANYTHING...he lied again and made me think it was my fault...he made me feel like I was wrong about them...I wasn't....I was completely right....she confirmed it....their relationship was ANYTHING but friendship...she admitted it...the things he said to her were far from honoring of me....there was no concern for my heart. He kept me around as a commodity....just incase he could get something else from me. Just incase he couldn't convince her to fall fast enough...just incase the vegas hook up didn't happen....I wasn't the love of his life like he said....i was his just in case!!!!
How did he continue to blame me....how did he act angry towards me...how did he have the audacity to call me insecure and jealous....how did he even begin to call ME crazy!!! He's lucky I'm not even a little bit crazy because after EVERYTHING he did someone who was crazy would not be blogging about her broken heart and stolen dreams!
I know I'm not supposed to have these feelings anymore. I get so mad at myself for feeling anything but anger and reflief. But I miss the man that I thought would protect me forever. I miss my playmate. When I think of him playing at the park, at the pool, at the house with her and her kids it breaks my heart. And I try not to think about it...but it still comes...the thoughts won't go away. He promised ME that. I thought we would be taking our little one to the park...to the beach...to the football games. I thought we would be starting our life in California...that we would be starting our family...I keep wanting him to be there to run with me...to go play tennis...to do all the things that I always wanted to do but it never seemed like we did. I miss laughing at him because he would get so animated about football season. I hate that i miss it all....I hate that there were so many lies during all of that that I don't even know what was real to him. I hate that I never will because even if he told me I couldn't believe a word he would say. In one of the emails in the end he told me that "believe it or not there have been people that I have dated that I didn't lie to" Awesome...so he was able to be honest to others that he "dated" but the girl he called his "family" the one he said he loved more than "anything...even Cal footbal"...the one he would "take a bullet for".... ME he couldn't be honest with on any level. I HATE THAT!!!! I HATE THAT HE LIED TO ME....probably every day!! Someone tell me how to get passed that....he knew how much I valued honesty....and he lied about everything. How does he not get that it is a big deal...that I deserved the truth....
I've found out things that he lied about that are soooooooo stupid...stories about relatives in NY...stories about his lacrosse days....everytime we talked about those things he was lying...I seriously think he lied to me everyday. The big stuff...education, financial history, jobs...those are all bad enough...but why lie about the stupid little stuff
I miss the security of his hugs
I miss being able to just look across at him and know
I miss the banter
I miss the full time playmate
I miss a soft kiss
I miss thinking of the future with excitement
I miss trusting people
I miss falling asleep on his chest
I miss thinking about our children
I miss being his encourager
I miss laughing
I miss believing in love
I miss who I was BEFORE him
I miss his family...what I believed was my family
I miss hearing "I Love You"
I'm lonely....I have so many awesome amazing relationships and people in my life. But you all know the intimacy of that life long comittment. And no..we hadn't said I do..but he and I both know conversations we had...we both know what we promised. You know that "that" relationship and "that" love can't be relpaced. I stay so busy...I'm the social butterfly again that I was before him...but nothing is THAT relationship. And I know I should be saying "Thank you Lord" that nothing is that relationship...I deserved better than deception and manipulation...I deserved better than someone who betrayed me to the depth that he did. But it is such a struggle to get past who I "thought" he was. It's so hard to accept that the man I loved with every breath I took was never who I thought he was. I told my therapist that I have this huge ball that he used to fill....I'm trying to fill it with squares...and squares may take up the space...but they don't fill it. And I know...God has to fill it...fill me. But...you can't tell me that if you lost your family, your husband, your kids, the person you gave your heart and soul to...you can't tell me that you wouldn't feel the loneliness!!! God created us for relationship with him...but he also created us with a need for each other....and I miss that. God designed me with a huge heart that loved and cherished. But that stupid heart hurts too....even knowing everything she told me...knowing the truths I know...it still hurts. I want to wake up and it all be a very bad dream...but I can't...the nightmare is real and I have to put a smile on and have a hope for my future.
Yall I hate the fact that he has a heart that can do this to me and walk away without a blink. I hate that he has absolutely not a care in the world about what he did to me. He moved on instantly...he didn't miss a beat!!! He to this day had yet to admit the lies...acknowledge the betrayal...Even Tiger Woods and Jessie James apologized and confessed. They showed pain for what they did...they didn't blame their partners for their mistakes and choices. He did so much more than just cheat...and he doesn't even acknowledge his betrayal and deception. I will never understand how he can tell me the guilt he carried for years over a terrible accident that happened to her...how he felt he ruined her life...how that devastated him. What he did to me was intentional, the devestation he caused me was based on absolute CHOICES he made...there was no accident....it was intentional, even calculated at times...he knew what he was doing and he KNEW how it would hurt me...he saw how it hurt me in January and he continued to abuse me emotionally for three more months by asking me to say invested. He simply didn't care about me...He wasn't trying for me...if he really "tried" for one second he would have invested his time and attention into us...not into his bar buddies...not into her....he just allowed me to hang on until he found "something better" He CHOSE to turn my world upside down....and he CHOSE to continue to lie, continue to lash out at me in the aftermath, continue to make me believe that it was my fault. HE CHOSE this...He CHOSE to endanger me physically and even worse cause emotional devestation in my life and he doesn't give a crap...he doesn't care. He certainly hasn't shown an ounce of remorse. Did he say he was sorry...once or twice....but he has never acknowledged the truth...he has never acknowledged what it REALLY was. He continues to CHOSE to blame me....even knowing most of what I know...he still doesn't feel anything but anger towards me. How a heart beats like that I cannot get.
Life is not a dry erase board...you don't get to make marks in peoples lives and when you decide you want to move on wipe it away. What he did in my life is there...he left scars..he left me changed. It didn't just go way.
I'm working on getting past this. I've been encouraged to read books on abusers and recovery from abuse. Frightened that this relationship fits so many of the patterns and i never saw it. I have to get past this. I can't continue to be this hurt. I feel physically sick. My heart is still shattered. My mind tries to figure it out EVERY day. I have to believe that I can love again. I cannot imagine feeling that selfless, unconditional, forgiving, patient love for anyone else. I've never had it before....I want to say I've never felt it...but the love I had wasn't a feeling...it was so much more. What it wasn't was real...there was nothing real about the 15 months i spent with him. I fell for what he wanted me to fall for...I fell for the story he told me.
I want a family....I want to be a mom....I want to be a phenomial wife. He told me to the bitter end that that is what we had..and then the took it and gave it to her....even before her he turned his back on us...he chose something else....he just "forgot" to tell me. But I never stopped wanting it...I never stopped giving all I had to nurture it. I hope it made him feel good because it has absolutely crushed me!! Congratulations...one more life left tattered and torn...what a legacy!!
I know God doesn't make mistakes....and I know without a doubt that God plucked me out of that relationship....what I learned, how I learned it and when was God's hand. I get that...but it doesn't change the loss...the hurt! But I also know that God created me with a great strength. And he has provided the most amazing people to hold me up and support me. As much as I loved him...as lost as I feel...I know that I was protected and delivered from a man that would have hurt me even more had I not finally held him accountable...it had to be the most painful betrayal to hold him accountable...but i did....i finally held him responsible for his actions....and that is proof that down deep I'm still that strong girl that I once really liked!!! I'm gonna get her back!!!!!