Rewind

So here is just a little raw emotion...this weekend has been tough. Taken a few steps forward and at the same time entered a new phase in the grief process.

I'm really starting to feel the rejection set in...and it HURTS. I've had so much time trying to figure it out...trying to figure out what was real....what wasn't....what changed....when it changed. I'm not trying to figure things out anymore....I know I never will. BUT the utter rejection has started to hit me. Y'all can tell me all day long every reason that I should be mad....every reason for me to see that this is a blessing. Y'all have told me time and time again that he was not the man for me...and he showed me that. I can even accept all of that. BUT in the end I STILL have to live with the fact that he rejected me. In the end regardless of everything that I did perfectly and everything I did wrong he chose to leave me for another woman. In the end I wasn't good enough...I wasn't what he wanted. He abandoned me...he left me for someone else.

As a woman how do I not question my worth as a partner. I KNOW that my worth as a human, as a sister, as a friend, and as a partner are given to me by my father and savior. I know that HE tells me that I am beautiful. But as a woman, as a living, breathing, woman in the flesh how do I not question me. How do I not feel "not good enough" How do I not question my beauty, my heart, my personality, my spunk. How do I not think that I wasn't fun enough, wasn't giving enough, wasn't everything enough. How do I not compare myself to "her." He did...he said it..."you couldn't compete....I'm sorry" He told me he loved me and a week later discovered he still had the same feelings he did years ago for her. I gave him everything for 15 months and it meant less than a weekend in Vegas. The rejection is so painful....he didn't want me....when it comes down to it...I simply wasn't wanted...I wasn't valued. I have picked myself to death. I have gone over EVERY inch of my body...every aspect of my personality....every struggle I had professionally...every day and night we spent together!!! I know as women we seek to find our security in the wrong places so many times. I think for me it is even harder. I think the struggles I've had in the past...struggles I thought I had finally overcome...voices I thought I had muted...they all came back...and they came back louder than ever. Every comment a boy made to me in high school, every feeling of inadequacy I had around all the "Baylor beauties." Having the man that told me I was everything to him leave me....and choose another woman...how do I deal with the "you're not good enoughs" that I hear everyday.

I know the answer...I listen to all the you are everythings to me that the Lord tells me over and over and over. But I struggle...

Before I met him I was is such a great place. Probably the healthiest and happiest I'd ever been. On Jan 2, 2009 I was happy, content, self sufficient, strong faith, secure in what I was, wanted and deserved. Somewhere along the way I lost that...and didn't even know it!!! When did what I love about me become based on what he loved...or didn't...about me. Everyone keeps telling me how much I have learned...how much stronger I am...how much better I will be for the real love of my life. Honestly....I don't want any of it. I want to go back to Jan 2, 2009 and accept the other date instead....I want to rewind it all...I don't want the lessons. I want to be who I was...I want her back...I want everything i gave him back!!! I'm tired of crying...even if the tears are beautiful to God, even if I am gaining crazy amounts of strength, even if these lessons couldn't be taught another way....I DON'T WANT THEM right now. I want to be the Tara I was on Jan. 2 2009!!!!! I'm tired of crying...and THAT girl didn't cry....she laughed, she loved, she danced, she had a twinkle that was snuffed out somewhere along the way. She would have stood up for herself!!!

On a funnier note....I went on a date!!! I thought I would vomit on myself....didn't think I could do it. But I did. Now let me be clear....I'm not looking for someone to feel that indescribable void I feel....I'm not anywhere close to being healed enough to start a relationship. But a really nice and kinda cute guy asked me out so I took some advice and said yes. He texted later that night to tell me he had a good time and called the next day. Here's the funny part...he had to reschedule and I gave him a little sass about it...his response..."hey...it's work....I couldn't help it....at least I have a job right!" True that...true that!!!

10 Things

Growing up I had many days of questioning myself. Many insecurities. My mom used to make me say 5 nice things about myself for every bad thing I said. Well...I've said many not so uplifting things about myself/too myself today so here are a few GREAT things about me...

I have a HUGE heart!!! I love with all I have!

I am generous with my time, talent and fincances

I'm kinda cute!!!! I may not be a supermodel but I'm a pretty cute kid!!!!!

I'm trustworthy

I'm funny....I will make you laugh even if it is at me!!!!!

I'm strong...well I was once...I'm getting it back

I'm loyal...to a fault obviously...but If you're mine I've got your back

I've got just enough dynamite to keep things interesting

...ok I can only come up with 8...I owe you two!!!

I talked to a great friend tonight and had a bit of an "wow" moment. I still question myself. I question HOW I failed with him...HOW I gave him everything for a year and it still wasn't enough...I still see the pain from his past and wonder WHY my love wasn't enough...Why he didn't make the right choices to be who he told me he was...Why I wasn't enough!! While we were talking I told her that as stupid as it sounds I still love the man that I thought had my back...the man I thought had such a hard past..the man who convinced me that he loved me with all his heart...I still miss him. She asked me WHY....I said because I thought he was my ONE!! Then again Why....My answer...because I loved him so much...so completely....then the big one...."ok...YOU loved him....but what made HIM the right one for YOU. For the first time I really realized that in the end I can't tell you why...I loved him no doubt...but in the end...after everything...knowing what I know now...what makes him the one for me....not what I THOUGHT made him the one for me...but what today..what 3 months ago...heck what 6 months ago makes him the one for me....I can't answer....nothing makes him right for me...it doesn't change the hurt...it doesn't change what I gave...it doesn't change my shattered heart...but it gave me something to ponder. Things that make you go hummmmmm.....

The Why's and What If's

Totally a sobbing mess today!! I hate the teeter totter of emotion that I'm on these days. Can someone PLEASE tell me when this gets better because it feels never ending!!!

We had a bit of a blow up last week. You see I finally got some of my things back from him. They came a month after he told me they would. My computer was wrapped in my wetsuit and placed in a box with every Baylor tshirt I had ever bought him. The lady at the post office was shocked at the condition of the box....it literally had huge tears in it. She looked in it before she gave it to me and said...they weren't too concerned about it. Not one piece of packing material to protect my things. When I called texted him to ask about what was missing is when the blowup happened. I admit I was a little short....I was angry and hurt. He responded with "I have less and less concern for your feelings" REALLY!!!???!!!! He has less concern for my feelings now than he did when he lied to me everyday for the 7 months that I supported his unemployed and homeless butt....he has less concern for my feelings than he did when he took thousands of dollars from me to move away from me....he has less concern for my feelings than when he told another woman the he NEVER felt anything for me like what he felt for her....he has less concern for my feelings than the night he asked me to pay his phone bill as he pulled up to her hotel in Vegas. REALLY!!??!! I DON'T GET IT!!!!!!!! He told me that I am impossible...that all I see is my own hurt. You know what....yeah....when you are drowning in your own tears all you can see is your own hurt....it surrounds you...it doesn't let up!!! I'm drowning here and he is standing there with a life raft just watching. He's right I do see my pain...my hurt....I live with it EVERYDAY!!! He couldn't be happier in his new relationship...with his new life...and I'm supposed to see his pain in that!!??!! Show me please....show me one ounce of genuine emotion one ounce of remorse. Am I missing something??? Crying my eyes out!!!! How can he say that he loved me...how can he say that he cared about me deeply and not even TRY to explain to me WHY. I actually got really angry with him for the first time....tired of the excuses of why he can't pay me back...tired of him still lashing out at me.

I'm still struggling with my value and the incredible insecurities that this has brought out. I cried to my Daddy today, asking him how a man could change so much...how a man could take advantage of someone the way he did...how he can know the mass destruction he left behind and not even be phased by it for a second. How does anyone live a life that leaves complete carnage in its wake and not even blink...not even a turn of his head to acknowledge the mess he left behind. He used to quote The Great Gatsby....a quote about Tom and Daisy...how they led a reckless life...how they cause such destruction and leave the poor creatures in their path to clean it up.....seems fitting. I just became one of the poor creatures.

How does he not have any remorse....how does he do it!! I question the value of what I gave...the value of the gift of my heart. I gave more to this man than anyone on the planet...and he tossed me aside. I supported him and LOVED him when no one else would/did. I truly question if he even has an idea of everything I did for him....does he even remember. I gave him a place to live, I fed him, I entertained him, I did EVERYTHING for him last year from helping him get a bank account opened to buying him socks and underwear. And that is just the basics....that doesn't even begin to cover the love and support that I poured into him. I keep asking myself why it wasn't enough...why I wasn't good enough....I question the value of me and my love. Why don't I question him...what he gave...his heart???? I look at who he traded me in for and I don't get it. She is everything he told me he was glad that I was not. He told me so many times that I was different from anyone else he had ever dated. I wasn't the party girl, I wasn't the bar girl, I wasn't materialistic, I was different, I loved God, he was so glad that I wasn't "that" girl that he dated before. I had a "huge heart" that he loved more than anything. And she is better than me because she has a bigger circle of party friends, she likes his hip hop and rap music, she drinks more???? This woman knowingly pursued a man who was in a relationship...she suggested the "fakelationship"...she suggested casual hook ups while claiming to be just friends. He told me he wouldn't ever be with her because she "didn't even go to church"??? Why did he even try to convince me that I was his future when he obviously wanted something VERY different than what he told me he wanted and loved about me??? Why didn't he just tell me from the beginning what he REALLY wanted...we wouldn't have dated more than a couple of weeks!!! I've passed on THAT guy many times before!!! WHY????My best friend was holding my hand a few days ago and got so mad at him. She said she hated him for making me fall for him..she reminded me of all the times that I had doubts, that I had questions, and how he convinced me that he was the one...he wanted me to fall for him. Why yall....why did he convince me to love him. In the beginning I was hesitant..he convinced me he was safe....once I was "all in" he promised me that he would be there for me FOREVER...he would protect me!!! Little did I know that he was what I needed to be protected from. He did it in the beginning and he did it in the end. Even the last time I saw him...he spent 10 days with me PROMISING me that I was his future...WHY...WHY convince me AGAIN when he knew he didn't love me....I begged him not to if he wasn't 100 percent sure he loved me and wanted to be with me....why he had me continue to invest in his family....why he lied to me then about moving back home. Yall have no idea how much I wanted to believe everything he told me those two weeks....I gave him EVERY opportunity to end it....I gave him EVERY opportunity to make the right choices. And he CHOSE to break my trust...to break his promises...to break my heart.... His actions were choices....he chose to lie to me and to leave me....he chose to betray the promises he had made to me over and over!!!

And I still question what I could have done...how I could have loved him more. I still ask myself what if...what could I have done differently to show this man how deep my love for him was. What could I have done differently to prove to him that I was there for him no matter what....what did I need to do for him to recognize the gift I offered....WHY did he not see the value of me....how did he move on instantly and leave me to pick up the pieces of a life that he left shattered?

I read a quote from Mother Theresa the other day it read "The success of love is in the loving, it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person but whether it turns out that way or does not, does not determine the value of what we have done."

I'm trying to hold onto that. My love was not unsuccessful!!! My love was deep and it was pure. It was selfless. I put him first!!! I did everything you are supposed to for someone you are committed to. I kept the promises I made. The night we sat on the sofa and told each other that we were committed to each other forever in our hearts...I meant it...and I did it....even in the worst times...I did it. At least I can walk away knowing that I have it in me to give that kind of love. I may be in the deep pit of pain now but I KNOW that my love was not unsuccessful..it was not lacking!!! What he chose to do with it is about him...not about me. HIS choices don't change my value...they don't change the success of my love. Ok...I've said it so how do I get to the place where I believe it????

Prayers girls...prayers!!!! I need all I can get to do this!!!!!