We had a bit of a blow up last week. You see I finally got some of my things back from him. They came a month after he told me they would. My computer was wrapped in my wetsuit and placed in a box with every Baylor tshirt I had ever bought him. The lady at the post office was shocked at the condition of the box....it literally had huge tears in it. She looked in it before she gave it to me and said...they weren't too concerned about it. Not one piece of packing material to protect my things. When I called texted him to ask about what was missing is when the blowup happened. I admit I was a little short....I was angry and hurt. He responded with "I have less and less concern for your feelings" REALLY!!!???!!!! He has less concern for my feelings now than he did when he lied to me everyday for the 7 months that I supported his unemployed and homeless butt....he has less concern for my feelings than he did when he took thousands of dollars from me to move away from me....he has less concern for my feelings than when he told another woman the he NEVER felt anything for me like what he felt for her....he has less concern for my feelings than the night he asked me to pay his phone bill as he pulled up to her hotel in Vegas. REALLY!!??!! I DON'T GET IT!!!!!!!! He told me that I am impossible...that all I see is my own hurt. You know what....yeah....when you are drowning in your own tears all you can see is your own hurt....it surrounds you...it doesn't let up!!! I'm drowning here and he is standing there with a life raft just watching. He's right I do see my pain...my hurt....I live with it EVERYDAY!!! He couldn't be happier in his new relationship...with his new life...and I'm supposed to see his pain in that!!??!! Show me please....show me one ounce of genuine emotion one ounce of remorse. Am I missing something??? Crying my eyes out!!!! How can he say that he loved me...how can he say that he cared about me deeply and not even TRY to explain to me WHY. I actually got really angry with him for the first time....tired of the excuses of why he can't pay me back...tired of him still lashing out at me.
I'm still struggling with my value and the incredible insecurities that this has brought out. I cried to my Daddy today, asking him how a man could change so much...how a man could take advantage of someone the way he did...how he can know the mass destruction he left behind and not even be phased by it for a second. How does anyone live a life that leaves complete carnage in its wake and not even blink...not even a turn of his head to acknowledge the mess he left behind. He used to quote The Great Gatsby....a quote about Tom and Daisy...how they led a reckless life...how they cause such destruction and leave the poor creatures in their path to clean it up.....seems fitting. I just became one of the poor creatures.
How does he not have any remorse....how does he do it!! I question the value of what I gave...the value of the gift of my heart. I gave more to this man than anyone on the planet...and he tossed me aside. I supported him and LOVED him when no one else would/did. I truly question if he even has an idea of everything I did for him....does he even remember. I gave him a place to live, I fed him, I entertained him, I did EVERYTHING for him last year from helping him get a bank account opened to buying him socks and underwear. And that is just the basics....that doesn't even begin to cover the love and support that I poured into him. I keep asking myself why it wasn't enough...why I wasn't good enough....I question the value of me and my love. Why don't I question him...what he gave...his heart???? I look at who he traded me in for and I don't get it. She is everything he told me he was glad that I was not. He told me so many times that I was different from anyone else he had ever dated. I wasn't the party girl, I wasn't the bar girl, I wasn't materialistic, I was different, I loved God, he was so glad that I wasn't "that" girl that he dated before. I had a "huge heart" that he loved more than anything. And she is better than me because she has a bigger circle of party friends, she likes his hip hop and rap music, she drinks more???? This woman knowingly pursued a man who was in a relationship...she suggested the "fakelationship"...she suggested casual hook ups while claiming to be just friends. He told me he wouldn't ever be with her because she "didn't even go to church"??? Why did he even try to convince me that I was his future when he obviously wanted something VERY different than what he told me he wanted and loved about me??? Why didn't he just tell me from the beginning what he REALLY wanted...we wouldn't have dated more than a couple of weeks!!! I've passed on THAT guy many times before!!! WHY????My best friend was holding my hand a few days ago and got so mad at him. She said she hated him for making me fall for him..she reminded me of all the times that I had doubts, that I had questions, and how he convinced me that he was the one...he wanted me to fall for him. Why yall....why did he convince me to love him. In the beginning I was hesitant..he convinced me he was safe....once I was "all in" he promised me that he would be there for me FOREVER...he would protect me!!! Little did I know that he was what I needed to be protected from. He did it in the beginning and he did it in the end. Even the last time I saw him...he spent 10 days with me PROMISING me that I was his future...WHY...WHY convince me AGAIN when he knew he didn't love me....I begged him not to if he wasn't 100 percent sure he loved me and wanted to be with me....why he had me continue to invest in his family....why he lied to me then about moving back home. Yall have no idea how much I wanted to believe everything he told me those two weeks....I gave him EVERY opportunity to end it....I gave him EVERY opportunity to make the right choices. And he CHOSE to break my trust...to break his promises...to break my heart.... His actions were choices....he chose to lie to me and to leave me....he chose to betray the promises he had made to me over and over!!!
And I still question what I could have done...how I could have loved him more. I still ask myself what if...what could I have done differently to show this man how deep my love for him was. What could I have done differently to prove to him that I was there for him no matter what....what did I need to do for him to recognize the gift I offered....WHY did he not see the value of me....how did he move on instantly and leave me to pick up the pieces of a life that he left shattered?
I read a quote from Mother Theresa the other day it read "The success of love is in the loving, it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person but whether it turns out that way or does not, does not determine the value of what we have done."
I'm trying to hold onto that. My love was not unsuccessful!!! My love was deep and it was pure. It was selfless. I put him first!!! I did everything you are supposed to for someone you are committed to. I kept the promises I made. The night we sat on the sofa and told each other that we were committed to each other forever in our hearts...I meant it...and I did it....even in the worst times...I did it. At least I can walk away knowing that I have it in me to give that kind of love. I may be in the deep pit of pain now but I KNOW that my love was not unsuccessful..it was not lacking!!! What he chose to do with it is about him...not about me. HIS choices don't change my value...they don't change the success of my love. Ok...I've said it so how do I get to the place where I believe it????
Prayers girls...prayers!!!! I need all I can get to do this!!!!!
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