I'm really starting to feel the rejection set in...and it HURTS. I've had so much time trying to figure it out...trying to figure out what was real....what wasn't....what changed....when it changed. I'm not trying to figure things out anymore....I know I never will. BUT the utter rejection has started to hit me. Y'all can tell me all day long every reason that I should be mad....every reason for me to see that this is a blessing. Y'all have told me time and time again that he was not the man for me...and he showed me that. I can even accept all of that. BUT in the end I STILL have to live with the fact that he rejected me. In the end regardless of everything that I did perfectly and everything I did wrong he chose to leave me for another woman. In the end I wasn't good enough...I wasn't what he wanted. He abandoned me...he left me for someone else.
As a woman how do I not question my worth as a partner. I KNOW that my worth as a human, as a sister, as a friend, and as a partner are given to me by my father and savior. I know that HE tells me that I am beautiful. But as a woman, as a living, breathing, woman in the flesh how do I not question me. How do I not feel "not good enough" How do I not question my beauty, my heart, my personality, my spunk. How do I not think that I wasn't fun enough, wasn't giving enough, wasn't everything enough. How do I not compare myself to "her." He did...he said it..."you couldn't compete....I'm sorry" He told me he loved me and a week later discovered he still had the same feelings he did years ago for her. I gave him everything for 15 months and it meant less than a weekend in Vegas. The rejection is so painful....he didn't want me....when it comes down to it...I simply wasn't wanted...I wasn't valued. I have picked myself to death. I have gone over EVERY inch of my body...every aspect of my personality....every struggle I had professionally...every day and night we spent together!!! I know as women we seek to find our security in the wrong places so many times. I think for me it is even harder. I think the struggles I've had in the past...struggles I thought I had finally overcome...voices I thought I had muted...they all came back...and they came back louder than ever. Every comment a boy made to me in high school, every feeling of inadequacy I had around all the "Baylor beauties." Having the man that told me I was everything to him leave me....and choose another woman...how do I deal with the "you're not good enoughs" that I hear everyday.
I know the answer...I listen to all the you are everythings to me that the Lord tells me over and over and over. But I struggle...
Before I met him I was is such a great place. Probably the healthiest and happiest I'd ever been. On Jan 2, 2009 I was happy, content, self sufficient, strong faith, secure in what I was, wanted and deserved. Somewhere along the way I lost that...and didn't even know it!!! When did what I love about me become based on what he loved...or didn't...about me. Everyone keeps telling me how much I have learned...how much stronger I am...how much better I will be for the real love of my life. Honestly....I don't want any of it. I want to go back to Jan 2, 2009 and accept the other date instead....I want to rewind it all...I don't want the lessons. I want to be who I was...I want her back...I want everything i gave him back!!! I'm tired of crying...even if the tears are beautiful to God, even if I am gaining crazy amounts of strength, even if these lessons couldn't be taught another way....I DON'T WANT THEM right now. I want to be the Tara I was on Jan. 2 2009!!!!! I'm tired of crying...and THAT girl didn't cry....she laughed, she loved, she danced, she had a twinkle that was snuffed out somewhere along the way. She would have stood up for herself!!!
On a funnier note....I went on a date!!! I thought I would vomit on myself....didn't think I could do it. But I did. Now let me be clear....I'm not looking for someone to feel that indescribable void I feel....I'm not anywhere close to being healed enough to start a relationship. But a really nice and kinda cute guy asked me out so I took some advice and said yes. He texted later that night to tell me he had a good time and called the next day. Here's the funny part...he had to reschedule and I gave him a little sass about it...his response..."hey...it's work....I couldn't help it....at least I have a job right!" True that...true that!!!
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1 comment:
Ugh this is all so hard. I hate that you are going through this. I totally understand why you are questioning yourself. But remember that what he told you were lies. You were rejected, yes. But not by someone worthy of your love. You were rejected by a con-artist. It is not that you were not good enough for him, the reality is that you were TOO good for him and he could no longer keep up the facade necessary to keep fooling you! Keep walking sister, and YAY for the date!
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