Questions

I'm questioning the last few days. Questioning me, questioning him, questioning God. Finally accepting that I will never have answers to all the questions but still questioning. I had the chance to go on a little spontaneous trip to Florida this week. Amazing....but 18 hours in the car by myself gave me an abundance of time to let my mind wander. I replayed it all...how I wish I didn't. When does it just leave my mind...when do I stop wondering...when do I stop trying to understand something that I never can. One of my best girls was giving me a little bit of tough love....encouraging me to just let it go...move on...take the power back. She asked me why I still let him make me sad...why did I let him continue to have any power over me...she said "how's it working out for ya?" Yall know what...it sucks....its not working out for me at all...I don't want to spend one more minute trying to figure it out and understand....I can't wrap my mind around it and my heart will never get it. But it is there...it is fading...but it is there.

To this day what I question the most is his love. And honestly I don't know if it is easier to believe that he loved me and that changed...or if he never really loved me. I think I'm beginning to believe that he did love me at one time....he "loved" me in his way...its just that his way and my way were not the same. He never loved me the way I loved him. My love couldn't just change one day. Even when I had reasons to choose not to love him anymore....I didn't...I couldn't. But for him...one day it was just "different"....one day he just didn't love me as much. That's what he said...something just changed for him. He loved me every second one day....then one day it just wasn't as much....and another day it was just a little less. Then he convinced me that the change was just a struggle...he wanted to pick me...he wanted to pick our path and not another path. I believed it....I wanted it to be true....I wanted there to be something I could do to save us. Can anyone begin to explain that please. Seriously....someone please explain that to me!!! I can't get my heart to understand how that happens. And I am absolutely terrified that if he could just stop loving me then how can I trust anyone else to not just decided that they don't love me. He said I didn't do anything wrong....

Yall....everything reminds me of him...EVERYTHING!!! It's not fair...he is in a new place, new people, new love, nothing to remind him of the heart he left behind. I see him at the grocery store, I cried at church today knowing that he would never sit there an hold my hand, I stopped in the men's section when I was shopping...looking at what he would like...drove by the place we used to watch football games at and cried, longed for him at the beach. Even new things....put the top down and went for a drive the other night and couldn't help but think how much he would love the new ride...how much I would have loved to share it with him at one time. How do I make the memories stop. I know that with time I will have new memories in those places...I know that in time some of the longings will fade...I just wish that time could be now!

How is it that I can KNOW in my head that this relationship was not good for me....that he wanted something very different than what I thought he wanted, that he was not putting me first, he was not denying himself...that his wants/needs were his primary focus. In the beginning...yes...he did things for me...he made me feel like I was the world to him...I felt loved and adored. In the end...I felt like he could hardly stand to be near me....would rather talk to anyone other than me!!! Didn't help me with even the basics...looking back i see the change....but its not the him after the change I miss. I miss the guy who held me in his arms for hours and comforted and encouraged me. So why can't I remember that. Why do I not remember the loneliness I felt on our anniversary....why would I fight for someone who didn't even care enough to write me a note on Valentines day. Why can't I just remember the last 6 months more than the first 6. Because I fought so hard the last six....I fought for us with everything I had...even when I was unhappy. I invested more to save us than I did to make us....it wasn't enough!!

I've started living this new life....I'm trying to embrace new opportunities. I've been so busy, so active, reconnected with so many wonderful friends. Sometimes I know I do things just to keep myself occupied....anything to keep from going home. I hear the same things from them. We missed you, you disappeared, so glad to have you back!!! I want to just see all the opportunity that I have...I want to recognize the blessings. But the more things I do, the more I miss him. Everyone tells me that I don't miss him....I miss the companionship. But I feel like I miss him....I miss being with the man I thought loved me more than anything. I miss the emotional intimacy, I miss having him to share everything with. I miss his smile. I even miss sacrificing for him!!! I try to remind myself of the struggles....I don't miss the arguments about drinking, I don't miss the lies...knowing he was lying to me and not saying anything, I don't miss the arguments about finances, I don't miss him getting mad and hanging up on me or telling me how I piss him off. Sometimes I see two totally different people. I just can't accept the man at the end was the same man that I fell in love with. And I miss the man I fell in love with....why did he have to change....why did he break my heart????

Why do I have to have the heart that hurts. Why can't my heart change as easily as his. Why can't my heart just move on??? How could his?? I don't understand why this still hurts this much. All he feels for me is anger....why can't I just feel anger?? Why can't I stop wanting to have the good times back. I still hurt so much for HIM. I pray for him...I don't want him to struggle!!! And at times I do....whatever it takes. The more that I discover the more I ache for his heart. Why didn't he ache for my heart...why didn't he ache for me???