You killed us
You are emotionally immature
You're missing something
I don't want to hurt HER feelings
You couldn't compete
I'm sorry I couldn't make myself love you anymore
Your jealousy and insecurity wouldn't have allowed it
You went nuts
You didn't satisfy me
I'm so lucky we are finally over
Oh how they hurt...they hurt me everyday. The spoken, the written, the images. They all seem to be burned into my brain. Things I never want to hear or see again...and it feels like they have made a home in my head.....no....worse....my heart. Why do I question myself....all I offered...all I felt...because of his words. I'm struggling right now yall. I have so many questions that will never be answered. I've never doubted my worth so much in my life... I wish he would have just beat me...physical wounds would have healed so much faster!!!!
I saw my counselor last week....can't believe I'm in therapy....she gave me some homework and I need yalls opinion. One of her last questions to me was....so when are you going to get back on the horse???? Huh.....What....REALLY??!!!??? I asked her what she was smoking....yes...i really did!!!!! Just the thought makes me sick to my stomach...how can I even begin to open up to that???? I don't feel like I ever want to be vulnerable again...I want to protect me because I don't feel like I can trust anyone else to....I want to stop crying....I want to stop thinking....I want to stop remembering....I DON'T want to open myself up!!!!! Isn't that what caused this problem to start with??? I honestly don't feel like I have a whole lot to offer anyway... How does she expect me to "get back out there?" It is way to fresh...is there a purpose if forcing it this soon??? So yall have to tell me...why...why would she suggest that. She knows it all....timelines, histories, regrets, the pain, the anger...why push this now????
I'm trying guys....some days are better than others...none of them are good. I miss me!!!!! I miss my smile....I miss my laugh...I miss the twinkle in my eye...I miss my witty comebacks...I miss having hope...I miss my taratude!!!! A sweet friend told me that I am soooooo special...that I am like sunshine....that I am so loved by so many and anyone would be blessed for me to offer any amount of my heart to them....tell me how to get THAT to play in my head??
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1 comment:
I am sending you the list...from the Word of GOD...of who you really are TODAY. Say it out loud to yourself...make copies and hang them all over your house, in your car, etc. Remember that opening yourself up IS safe if you stay true to who YOU are. That will take time, and I think you should get firmly back "on the horse" with the Lover of your soul...Jesus...before you seek anyone else. HE will keep you strong and safe. HE will never abandon you or use you or say things that scar your heart. He will teach you to see your true beauty and celebrate all that you are because He loves you perfectly and unconditionally.
Who of us is not immature in some way? Who of us does not have something we need to work on? Until we get to Heaven, we are a work in progress but every day we are a little better, a little stronger, a little wiser.
I love you precious friend!
Jeanine
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