Good Enough???

Lots of time to think the last few days....so many emotions I have experienced in the last five months. Sometimes I wish I would have let him go when I first saw the flags...sometimes I'm glad that I hung on as long as I did...because I loved him soooooo much....I know I gave everything to prove that. Was it worth it...is what I'm going through now worth it...I'm not sure. How far along would I be in this process if I had walked away in January. When I felt like I had to read emails, check phone records, when I saw the texts without even trying why did I hold on. I wonder what I would have seen if I really tried to be a PI. In the end am I ticked off...do I get to be mad..yes...do I want him to feel just a little of the pain I am feeling...YES!!!!

But I loved him sooooo...

I remember an email he sent in the end that said how angry with me he was. That he hated that I saw it as his fault. That I broke up with him...what was HE supposed to do. REALLY!!??!! Was I perfect...NO...but do I see this as his fault...YES YES YES!!!! Yall tell me....please tell me if I am wrong but is it even remotely possible that they were only friends...nothing more....he had no interest in her other than closure then magically a month later they can't live without each other...totally in love...Looks like I had every reason to be insecure...I was right...and now that I know more I can't image how it would have been if I had know then what I know now. Giving someone else your emotional intimacy is cheating...giving her his time and his heart before me is cheating. Actions speak louder than words...he said he loved me...that he wanted me...that I was his future...for months he invested his time and energy into her...into his bar buddies...into everything but me unless he needed something...then it was back to me. So...YES...I broke up with him...but can't I be the one who says it and it still be his actions that caused it!!!

I think I've made it about "her" in my mind too much...there was so much before her. But that is the part that hurts the most. I know his lying, his drinking, his history have nothing to do with me...but when it comes to her I put it all back on me...what does she have that I don't. How could he move on so fast...how can you tell me how hurt you are over losing me but the same week be in a relationship with her. You loved me more than anything...willing to give up everything for me on April 2nd and in love with her 10 days later???? Two weeks...really???? He always said that he loved me because I had such an amazing heart, I was patient, I was compassionate and loving, he wouldn't want to be in a fox hole with anyone else. I believed that...and you know what...he was right...all of those things are true. It doesn't make me any less worthy of love, any less valuable that HIS priorities changed, HIS heart changed...that HE didn't appreciate gift that I was to him. An amazing woman told me that it HAD to be something this painful for God to snatch me out of it. There had to be someone else for him to go to...so that he didn't come back to me...because I would NEVER have done it...I never wanted to do anything that would hurt him...I would have put up with almost anything once if I thought it would save us...if I could prove to him that I loved him. God made it so clear to me...so unfixable...so painful that there was no other option for me...he removed me from a situation that I wouldn't remove myself from. I should find peace in that...peace knowing that God revealed things to me those last few days, peace that God made everything fall into my lap, peace that every question or doubt I had was made painfully clear. I didn't know that peace and pain walked so closely together!! It feels like an emotional wax job...my heart, guts, dreams, love have been ripped away...but I know that it gets better....the ripping leads to much better things.

I know that his choices started way before her...she may have been what he needed to have a security to move on...but his choices much earlier in our relationship were not honoring of me...did not express love to me. And I know that in my next relationship that offering unconditional love to someone does not mean that I have to be a doormat....does not mean that I have to overlook wrongs, does not mean that I can't have expectations...that I have to compromise what I hold true. My love can be unconditional while the relationship is not. I hate to say it but he knew..he knew how important it was for me that he KNOW that I loved him sooooo much. He used that against me...instead of my compassion, patience, understanding being gifts they became liabilities.

I wish I could see us through his eyes. I wish I new what he REALLY felt and when. I wish I knew what he sees as right and wrong. In his mind was it ok to lie to me about education, losing jobs, having jobs, her....what was his rationalization...did he think it was harmless...or was it just his way of keeping me invested as long as he needed me. How many times did I hear him lie to his friends...not really tell the true story....how many times did I wonder if it was that easy for him to tell me partial truths. I know that I will never know. They say hindsite is 20/20....but I still don't see clearly. Maybe because I know now that there were so many lies...I guess I question how he could love me and sit there and lie to me time after time after time. What makes it so hard to tell the truth. Why did he have to spin everything?? Was he that afraid that I wouldn't accept him, was he that afraid that I would leave, or was that just who he was...the way he chooses to live his life. Even now...this freakin second...I put it back on me...what could I have done for him to get him to be honest....how could I have been more to him to have helped him more!!!???!! WHY WHY ....WHY do I STILL put this back on me!!??!!

AHHHHH>>>>BAWLING!!!!!!!!!

I still ache for his heart. I loved that man more than I think anyone on the earth ever has. I guess I thought that if I loved him enough the years of pain could be healed. If I loved him enough, loved him the right way....forgave him for his mistakes that he would realize what real love was...he would feel that depth of that love. I thought that I could help him make the right choices...the right decisions. If I were enough he would do the right thing. He said I was different than anyone else in his life...the love I offered was different...I was his FAVORITE. I'm starting to see that so much of my pain is a feeling of failure. The voices whisper to me that I was just not enough...my love wasn't enough...I didn't do what I needed to to save the man I loved more than anything. That she has something that I didn't...she offers something better. I remember the whisper that "i'm sorry you just couldn't compete." I didn't know love was a competition. What was I competing with in November and January??? Was I competing with the memory of the summer of 1999?? Was I competing with the fun and laughs of the bar...the beauty of southern california. I didn't ask him to compete...all I asked for was love, honesty, him to protect me...him to be the man he promised me wanted to be. What could I have done to compete????

But I'm learning to stop myself...this had NOTHING to do with my love...my love was not flawed...my love was not missing something....my love WAS/IS a beautiful thing.

Now that I'm out of it...now that I know that it is over...now that I know that I cant...no couldn't save us I see what a hot mess it all was. Yall....I got to the point that I asked if I could call him....I would take his drunkin/hateful texts at 4 in the morning...many times begging him to talk to me because I was worried about him, I was scared of making him mad even when I knew he was wrong, I let him be emotionally abusive to me...because I was afraid that if I stood up for myself he would think that I didn't love him. But yall...there was a time that he made me feel so special, so loved, so wanted and needed....why did that change????

WOW...as I write this I am shocked...who was that girl...when did I lose my strength my independence....when did I become "that" girl...when did I lose Tara!!??!! And here I go...questioning me again...what if I had stayed true to me...what if my taratude had stayed intact...would I have been good enough...would he have loved the real me enough to make the right choices... WHY am I putting this on me??

I don't know how I go from wanting to put his picture on a kickboxing bag and beat the hell out of it to wishing he had just killed me instead of having to experience the emotion of being left to pick up the pieces of his betrayals. But I think I'm making progress....I question if I will ever get over this totally...I question if I will ever have a day that I don't think of him and wonder what was true..what was real...why he made the choices he made??? But I know that I was a strong, loving, generous, spunky, fun loving woman before he came into my life...and its not fair to that girl not to let her back out...to let him keep her buried. I'm having to decide daily to be her again...trying to remember how incredible she was...remembering the girl who NEVER missed a run, the girl who got the Chester the cheetah award for having a smile, laugh, spunkiness even on a the longest hottest marathon training runs, the girl who found humor...not tears...in everything, the girl who trusted people, the girl who my patients described as having a "light." Yall know her...maybe better than I do. Promising myself everyday to get to know her again!

Lord God...help me through this. Help me to forgive myself for all my mistakes...for putting him before you. Help me to find healing for my heart that feels like it will never be whole again. I pray that you heel me so completely that when I think of him I can still feel compassion and love without the pain or resentment. Give me the strength to get up every day and live the beautiful life you've blessed me with without thinking about the loss I feel without him. Remove the hurt LORD....you know my hurt more than anyone...you've seen EVERY tear...every time I've sat on the bathroom floor and sobbed, every time I've cried myself to sleep you have been there...I know you know my pain and I know that you are the only one who can heal me.... I'm trusting in that....knowing that I have you to hold onto....believing that you have something better.....knowing that you saved me....as much as it hurts....as deep as the pain is....you saved me!!