The Mirage

Angry....I am angry today. I wish that the anger felt better, but it is just as painful as any other emotion. The lies, the deception, the manipulation...shouldn't it make this all easier. It's not...it doesn't make it better for even a second.

You see I'm having to accept that the man I fell in love with NEVER existed. When I finally opened up to him I fell in love with what I thought was the most sensitive, caring, genuine heart I had ever seen in a man. A heart that I thought had struggled for years to find love and acceptance. A heart that I promised to nurture and protect. A heart that I thought I could trust to cherish and protect me. Now I know that that heart was never there. What I've seen and heard from that heart the last 6 weeks is nothing I could have ever imagined existed in him. So mean...so hurtful...so selfish...so deceptive...so spiteful.

I spent 30 min on the bathroom floor today crying my eyes out. Sobbing and shaking....Why????? I don't love him...I never even knew him....but I am still devastated. No one has EVER caused me so much pain in my life. No one has ever shown such disregard for me. I feel like my value to him was nothing....zero. I know that there is no one on the face of this earth that has the right to make me feel that way...and I know that I don't have the right to give ANYONE that power over me.....but today I feel like I meant absolutely NOTHING to him. I've never known a person to be so heartless...to be so manipulative...to be soooo deceitful. Sometimes I think he is absolutely nothing more than a monster. Maybe more each day...more with every lie that is discovered...more with every image I find on the computer, more with every piece of the puzzle that someone else puts into place for me. My life for the 15 months was nothing more than one big lie....one huge con...at least to him!!! Can someone please explain that to my heart. My heart never got the memo that this was just an act...that this was just his next chapter. I was just a stepping stone to his next thing.

How does anyone with a beating heart hurt someone that they say they loved...that they care about so deeply the way this man has hurt me. HE has made me feel absolutely worthless. He has made me feel like everything I gave him....my heart...my spirit...my love...my forgiveness...my compassion...my time....my tears...my finances meant NOTHING. I absolutely gave this man my life and he traded me in faster than the car he conned me into buying him. Two months ago he sat on my sofa...watched me cry and promised me she was nothing..just a friend..told me I was ridiculous to be so upset and worried about her...then later that night texted her while I slept beside him. Two weeks after that he texts me to pay his phone bill and buy him a plane ticket as he is in a cab to her hotel in Vegas. Who does that????

I so much wanted to believe that at one time he loved me..that he changed...but as the stories started to unravel...as people started to contact me...as I look back over the last 15 months and see the patterns of manipulation...as the truth began to come out I was hit with the very harsh reality that this man never loved me...he figured me out...he knew how to pull at my heart...he knew me probably better than anyone...but he never loved me.

He lied...he lied from the day we met to the last email that he sent. He lied about his education, he lied about his past....he lied about his jobs. He lied about everything...big things, little things....everything. He has lied to his friends, to his family, to his employers. He lied about things I could have cared less about and he lied about things that would have ended our relationship sooner. He even started his new relationship based on lies. You see in his world he lived and worked in NYC for a good part 2008 and some of 2009...at least that's what he told her. In reality he lived with me for most of 2009 because he was unemployed...and the woman before me can testify to 2008. When I hear the lies he has told her it just makes me wonder what lies he told me....but I don't want to know anymore....I don't want anyone to fill me in on anything else....I don't want to discover anything else on the internet...I don't want any of it to have happened at all...I wish I could wake up tomorrow and it be a bad dream...I wish I'd never turned that corner and seen the guy in the Cal hat. I wish he had been in NYC...I wish I could turn back time. I REALLY don't know what about him...if anything...was real at this point. But I do know that my pain is real. The discovery of the truth doesn't change the pain of the loss. How can I mourn someone, something that was only a mirage. Yall...my life, my love, everything I invested in him was a LIE. And I'm left to pick up the pieces they left behind!!! And it hurts more than anything I have ever experienced. People tell me how lucky I am to have gotten away from him, they tell me that I am blessed to have found out now before a marriage...before kids. So tell me how to make my heart understand that. I seriously woke up in the middle of the night sobbing...woke up from my sleep crying..that is how deep the pain is that this man caused. I cry EVERY day. I hate myself for sharing so much with him...I hate him for taking so much from me!!! I hate the fact that I lost so much of myself during the last year because I was totally focused on him...loving him...supporting him...showing him what love was supposed to be. I know I wasn't perfect...I made mistakes...but I LOVED him with a pure heart...and that heart is shattered. That heart will have a very hard time EVER trusting again. How do I find forgiveness for myself....how do I ever find forgiveness for him???