Two Months

Ok...wrote this a couple of weeks ago. Didn't post it because I thought it was to tearful. I decided that I would go ahead and share it...trying to be as transparent as I can

Well...it's been two months since the destruction of what I thought was my life partnership. It's been 5 months since I began to hold onto something that would hurt more than I could EVER have imagined.

To this day I still cry for the man that I loved....I still miss what I thought was the love of my life. Bawling as I write this!!!!!! I was talking with a friend today trying to explain all the different emotions I feel...trying to figure out how to process them all.

LOSS - I feel this the most. I feel like I lost the thing in this world that I cherished most. I was not perfect in our relationship. It was so hard for me in the beginning. I'd never felt that devotion to someone but at the same time felt overwhelmed by it all. You see...I NEVER planned to have him move in with me. When his sister kicked him out I had to protect him....I wanted him to feel the security of my love. So I let him stay with me...initially for a couple of weeks..which turned into months...which turned into as long as he wanted. When he moved in I had no space...no chance to call family or girlfriends. Don't get me wrong...I didn't feel smothered...I loved having him around....but I had no opportunity to process my emotions...to talk through things. Yall know what I mean...all those late night girlfriend talks...i didn't have that AND it was my first love...I'd never experienced that before. Can yall imagine...the emotions of new love with the emotions of first love...with the feeling of secrecy because I knew I was doing things wrong...with no "me" time...with the burden of the financial stress of supporting two people!!!! How did I not go insane??!!?? I would get mad at him and storm off into the other room...I would just be silent...one night I left...just drove off. But yall...it was all so much....new love, extreme emotion...gut feelings that things weren't right....having to support someone else suddenly. I had so much to learn. And I did...

I still miss him being here...I still miss all the little things that made us us. I can't even sleep in my own bed....I sleep in the guest room...because I miss him!!! I LOVED HIM!!!!!! I wish I could wake up tomorrow and it all be a bad dream. Absolutely sobbing as I write this!!!!!! I want my love back....I want him to be the man that made me feel so loved....I want him to go back to the beginning and tell me truth...I want him to have been the love of my life and to protect me!!! Why didn't he protect me??!!?? How do I trust another man with my heart. How do I allow myself to open up and take that risk???

Shock - I am shocked to find out the complete lack of truth in our relationship...and even more shocked to find out I wasn't the first to hear these stories. You see there were people before me who claim to have been led down the same path...heard the same stories. I can't say what was true and what wasn't...only he knows that. I know that when talking to people from his past that there seems to be a pattern. I wasn't the first to fall for him....I wasn't the first to be manipulated...I am not the first to be taken advantage of financially. How am I supposed to feel that I was anything more than a bank account/roof over his head when people tell me stories of what he did to them...and guess what...same thing second/third/forth/verse with me.

Anger - YES!!!! I get just PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!! And you know what....I think I have every freakin right to be pissed of. I told my therapist that I dropped the F bomb on him when I first found out about vegas. This very well put together, inner loop, 60 something lady told me....you know what...sometimes when people "f" up they deserve an "FU"...but she said it...I almost fell out of the chair!!!! This is a christian counselor. So guess what I am ok with just being angry sometimes. I'm allowed to express that emotion!!! Being angry doesn't make me immature...it makes me real!!! I didn't express it so many times in the last few months of our relationship when I should have....when he lied to me about the car over and over and over...I didn't get mad...when he had his sister trade in plane tickets that I bought for him to come home because he got wasted and had no way to make his way across California...I didn't get mad....so guess what...if I do a little bit now then its just going to have to be ok. I'm not bitter...I'm not resentful...I am angry. I feel misled....I feel taken advantage of...I feel betrayed...and YES that makes me MAD!!!!

So how am I supposed to process it all. I was talking to a friend just a few days ago and trying to explain us...what I thought made us so good...and what made us such an absolute mess in the end. And once again I said something to protect HIM. She stopped me and said"did you just pour sugar on S*#T???" She is right...I get mad...I acknowledged truths that have been revealed to me...and then I feel the love creep back and I want what I loved back. EVERYONE keeps telling me that it wasn't real....my love while far from perfect was true....I loved him with all that I had....I had to grow....I had lessons to learn...but my heart was pure and my love was deep. While it should be a gift...in the healing process it doesn't feel like it. I wish I had no heart for him. He has made it clear that he has nothing for me....he basically hates me. There are days that I wish I could hate him....but I can't....I loved him to much!!!! I hurt...I cry...I get angry...I cry more...I question...I feel betrayed....and then I cry more. I LOVED him!!!! Well...I loved who I thought he was. I loved who he told me he wanted to be...